My Insomnia Journey, Part One

Well, I went to bed about 45 minutes ago and felt rather awake, so I’m up for a bit more.  While it’s not the worst thing in the world to have a half-hour or so of time to kill with the TV or the computer, this bums me out a bit. 

I struggled with severe, chronic insomnia from roughly May 2008 through August 2011.  It vanished after we moved here, so I’m a bit disappointed to be getting another taste of it now.I am pretty certain the fact that I ‘slept in’ until 7:30 this morning (I’m usually up just before six) and having a Coke at dinner (I usually have one after lunch) are contributors to my awake-ness tonight and I won’t have this problem on a consistent basis from now on. 

I figured out a few months ago that it was the enormous stress I was under that kept me from sleeping well all those years.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but the knowing we would be moving somewhere for a year for my husband’s vicarage (pastoral internship) for a year, to be followed by moving somewhere for his first Call as a pastor, not knowing where we’d be going until weeks before the move, was an enormous weight on me.  I never knew that burden was there, until it was gone.

Another stressor during all this time has been our infertility.  I have to say, I don’t think I really agonized about where the problem was medically, but more the, “Why us?” questions.  This was made worse by the fact that all my close friends became moms during this time, whether they were trying to or not.  It was, and still is sometimes, incredibly hurtful.  I would lie awake for hours and literally fight God on why we had to be enduring this.  I’ve told people since, “I know what it’s like to wrestle in prayer now.”  If you have been here, I’m sympathize.  It’s the hardest thing I have ever walked through.  It is pain and sorrow that must be dealt with on a 28-day cycle.  In a nutshell, it sucks.

During my husband’s Seminary years, my work was our only source of income.  Being the main breadwinner is a role that I’m convinced many women, including myself, are not meant to carry.  I felt very pressure to work as many hours as possible, particularly when we had big extra expenses like major car repair bills, since I knew I was the only one bringing in the money.  I made it, but I don’t think I can do it again.  Unfortunately, my job as an ABA therapist for children with autism was also highly stressful.  Imagine trying to function in that line of work on 20 hours of sleep a week.  It was not pretty, and to this day I feel a little guilty about not being able to put forth my best effort for ‘my’ kids because I felt so awful.

...to be continued.....