My Summer of SAHW-hood

This is my very first summer of stay-at-home wife-hood.

I’m still not sure how I feel about it.  The break is welcome and was much-needed; I’m not going to underestimate that.  However, I’m a person that thrives on a schedule, routine, and structure.  Thus, working as an aide in our local public school district is a great professional fit for me right now (which is ironic, as I’ve never attended public school and wouldn’t send any future children to one).  Now that I have no set time that I need to leave the house in the morning, I’m having a hard time finding a balance between being productive and finding some time to relax. 

The largest, most specific struggle is my sleep schedule.  Ugh.  Oh insomnia, will you torment me forever?  I’m afraid it just might.  It’s taking me longer to fall asleep again, and with no pressing reason to get up at a reasonable hour, it’s extremely difficult to make myself commit to a consistent wake time, which makes it tough to fall asleep at a decent hour…it’s a vicious cycle.  Last night I finally got a somewhat normal night of sleep from about midnight to eight a.m.  I hope I can build on that!  I also ordered a sleep complex and some valerian root from Vitacost the other day, since the melatonin just isn’t cutting it right now and I am tossing my Trazadone (psychiatric meds don’t look good on international adoption applications, even if it’s for an off-label use).

I am also a little sad that summer means three months of no money being added to our adoption fund, but I can make peace with that.  Some day this wait won’t seem like it was anything….right?

Don’t get me wrong, there are abundant advantages to this J  I feel re-charged, mentally.  I have more time to spend in God’s Word and am reading my Bible more often.  I am practicing organ almost every day and am scheduled to play this Sunday.  I hope to play for at least two other services this summer, and continue to accompany once or twice a month during the school year.  Along with that, I’ve been playing piano at home for fun – trying to get some of my old songs back and such.  Piano-playing is a tremendous blessing to my heart and mind! Finally, since my husband (my pastor J) does not have a secretary, I’ve also been able to help him out by folding bulletins, proofreading, that type of thing.  They’re just little things, but it’s a service the church needs nonetheless.

Last month I started a little side job as an independent consultant for Lilla Rose.  As it turns out, the timing was perfect, because I have time to watch the training videos, study the products, and learn how to do scary things (for me) like design business cards (Side Note: Paint and I do NOT get along.  At ALL).  I have a couple people interested in home parties already, and summer is obviously going to be the best time for me to do things like that. 

And our health!  Is it self-centered to say I’m impressed with how much more attention we are able to give to healthy habits when I am home full-time?  My husband has a salad for lunch almost every day now (instead of the crap-tastic frozen dinners!) because I am home to make it for him.  I even got him to eat kale.  KALE!  This is for the guy who refuses to touch broccoli or spinach.  I am able to make fruit and yogurt smoothies for our breakfasts, in place of the store-bought granola bars.  I have always enjoyed making things from scratch, but now I have the time and energy to prepare ALL of our snack bars, bread, and tortillas from scratch.  I’m proud of this!  And of course, I don’t have excuses not to exercise now (except for the migraine I had today L).  There is plenty of time and energy for me to do so, sometimes twice a day.

I have also been able to re-read some adoption books and attend a few free online webinars on adoption topics.  I worried a little that doing so would make me antsy, but it hasn’t.  I think it’s helped stabilize my perspective on it, helping me see what will be possible, what won’t be a good fit for us, and what we need to research more – that type of thing.  We might be scheduling a face-to-face with a local agency in the next month or two, to figure out if we are financially ready to begin now (as opposed to waiting until next spring).  Might.  It is really hard to not get my hopes up on this!

Health...of the Weighty Variety

My husband and I decided over Christmas that we would try to eat better and be more diligent about regular exercise this year.

I am really, really proud of our results thus far.

On January 1^st I weighed in at 171.2 lbs.  The ‘healthy’ range for my height (I’m 5’10”) tops off at around 174, so this was alarming to me.  For the first couple months, I simply counted calories and did my best to consume no more than 1500/day.  This helped me lose a few pounds, but nothing to write home about.  I knew I needed to exercise; specifically, I needed to start doing a workout DVD in my living room.  I HATE working out in my living room, but with no money for a gym membership (and no gyms within 15 miles of us) no room or money for a treadmill, and the fact that it was the end of February and we live in the upper Midwest (meaning I couldn’t run or walk outside due to the cold and ice), I gritted my teeth and starting doing the Power90 workouts by Beachbody.  (This is the slightly older and easier version of P90X).

Roughly 12 weeks later, I am amazed.  I feel so firm, toned, and strong, compared to my previous flabby softness.  I can see muscles defined in places I didn’t know muscles existed.  I can do 10 ‘real’ push-ups and another 40 “girl” push-ups in one workout. 

Even with all this new muscle (which weighs more than fat) I weighed in at 160.2 this morning – exactly 11 lbs. lost!  I am hoping to reach 150 by the end of 2012.

Praise the Lord for granting me the disciple and strength to get this far.  In Him I can do ALL THINGS!

A little organization project...

The school year (read: my job) ended on the 18th, so I am just beginning to experience three full months of no work duties.

Side Note: This is a little unsettling to me.  I tried to trace back to the last time I had an entire summer off - no school, no job - and I think it comes down to the summer between 5th and 6th grade.  Right after sixth grade I started baby-sitting approximately 24 hours per week during the summer, so it's been 16 years!

Anyways, with this blessing of time, I have no excuse for a messy house :)  I finally tackled our hallway "closet" (it's really just a built-in cabinet and drawers) today.  This built-in stores mailing supplies, board games, and gift wrap supplies.

 Clearly, the gift bags and tissue paper are the problem here.  I pulled everything out and laid it on our guest bed as I sorted, folded, and tossed.  Then I put everything back in an orderly fashion.

Here is the end result:

The games stayed untouched on the bottom.  The next shelf up became mailing supplies and spare small boxes that can re re-used.  The third shelf has a gift bag containing non-Christmas gift bags, and a paper bag with folded tissue paper that has been organized in rainbow order :).  The top shelf holds Christmas gift bags, a grocery bag of bows and ribbons, and Christmas cards that we bought on clearance in January.  The empty product boxes that were on the top shelf (things that I want to toss, but my husband feels we should keep) were moved to the very top cabinet.

It's a big improvement, right?  I'm proud of my work!

Encouragement

I needed some encouragement regarding our infertility today, and thought I should share these links with you all.  I have these bookmarked and refer to them often when the enormity of our infertility seems like too much.

Tears and Hope: The Infertility Awareness Project Beautiful video designed to raise awareness about infertility. I haven't done the whole testing/diagnostics aspect, but I can relate to the rest of what the video mentions.  The music is so beautiful.

Seasons of Life My favorite.  I found this on an adoption blog for waiting families over a year ago.  I couldn't sleep because our inability to conceive was weighing on me, and I was just plain hurting.  This was what I needed to hear.

I may forget, but luckily He never does Resolving infertility comes at a cost. This article is great and putting it all in perspective.

Blessings.  You are not alone.

Mother's Day for the Infertile

My heart goes out to any other ladies struggling with infertility on this day. 

It stings a little, but I am thanking and praising God for the strength He is giving me.  I am doing so much better on Mother’s Day today than I was just two or three years ago.  In fact, it was three years ago that I told my husband I wasn’t going to church on Mother’s Day until I was a mom, because it just hurt too much to see all the moms get recognized while I bit my lip and struggled not to burst into tears.  By His grace and strength, I went to church today, and it didn’t really bother me when mothers were acknowledged at the end of the service.

I'd like to close with what a good friend of mine had as her Facebook status this day last year.  She and her husband struggled with infertility as well, adopted, and now have two grown-up daughters:

“Happy mother's day to all the moms, grandmothers, and to all those who long to be a mother.”


This post is linked to Modest Mondays

Heavy Heart

Today my heart is heavy.  We have all but decided that domestic adoption will not be an option for us.  I received an e-mail response to several questions that we’d sent to our agency of choice.  Among those questions was our concern about only wanting a closed or extremely limited contact adoption.  Their reply was pretty clear:  That would severely limit our chances of ever being chosen by a birthmother.

We were just $1,800 short of what that particular agency charged for domestic infant adoptions, and now we will need almost double for an international.

I am trying so hard to see the good in this.  We are blessed.  We are incredibly blessed that we are even able to consider an international adoption, finance-wise.  It is a blessing that we found this out now and not after already having invested money in a domestic homestudy.  I am blessed to be closer to realizing the dream that God laid on my heart when I was 16 to become a mom to internationally adopted children (I have cousins who were adopted internationally at that point in my life and it impacted me tremendously).

However, it still hurts.  It’s hard to think about enduring another two to three years of working outside the home to save up a lot more money (my hours are decreasing next year and we need to start saving for our next car, so we won’t be able to save as much as we did this year).  The very real possibility that I may be in my thirties before I can call myself a mom, stings.  It saddens me greatly that I will most likely be limited to one child due to the enormous cost of international adoptions.

It is difficult and painful, but I am trying to trust that God’s plan for me is better than the one I imagine for myself.

I have memorized this verse of the hymn “All Depends on Our Possessing” from the hymnal “Christian Worship: A Lutheran Hymnal.”  These words are so fitting for maintaining faith during a trial like infertility:

“Well He knows what best to grant me

All the longing hopes that haunt me

Joy and sorrow have their day

I shall doubt His wisdom never

As God wills, so be it ever

I to Him commit my way.”

-Andachtige Haus-Kirche, Nurnberg

Scriptures and Hymns for Holy Week

Maunday Thursday:

"Grant that we worthily receive
Thy Supper, Lord, our Savior
And truly grieving o'er our sins
May prove by our behavior
That we are thankful for Thy grace
And day by day may run our race
With holiness increasing."


Good Friday:


"Calv'ry's mournful mountain climb, There, adoring at His feet, Mark that miracle of time, God's own sacrifice complete! "It is finished!" hear Him cry; Learn of Jesus Christ to die." CW 104 v. 3

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

"But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities, the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him - and by His wounds, we are healed." Isaiah 53:5


Easter:


"The strife is o'er, the battle done;
Now is the victor's triumph won;
Now be the song of praise begun, Alleluia!

Lord, by the stripes which wounded You
From death's sting free your Your servants, too,
That we may live and sing to You. Alleluia!"