One Year Ago....

It's about to be October and the early days of autumn.  The weather is what I consider ideal - breezy, sunny, with highs in the high 70s and low 80s and very low humidity.  Fall is a time to remember.  I often ponder the "Seasons of Life" when the seasons change.

Right now, I'm remembering this time last year.  It was excruciatingly, painfully emotional.  Within a week, a friend of ours died, I got terrible news about my extended family that resulted in my uncle going to jail, I got correspondence from the final agency in our state that placed adoptions from South Korea and learned we would not be able to adopt from them.  My heart broke, and I ran to our bedroom to cry and kick and scream.  I thought that was the end of any possibility to adopt.  Did I mention that my husband was gone at a conference and that I got strep throat at the end of the week?  Honestly, it was the worst week of my life.

Then, a friend of mine  posted a portion of Matthew 16:24 as his Facebook status: "If anyone would come after Me, let Him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me."  And, well, that ceased any thoughts of anger or hatred towards God.  I was hurt and struggling and felt so spiritually weak, but I knew we were doing the right thing.

How far we have come in a year - from deciding to give domestic adoption a try a few weeks after that terrible week, to returning to international adoption through a completely different plan, to finally deciding on Hong Kong despite our agency's hesitation, to committing to a special needs child, to now - waiting for matching approval that looks like it will come any day now (we got word last week that it is being written, along with some updates on the child we have committed to).

That being said, my message today is:  Don't give up.  Don't think a pursuit or a dream is ended when all doors seem to be shut.  Never doubt that our God is greater and more powerful than all things of this world, and He can use the most desperate and dark of situations to let His glory shine though our lives.

Psalm 71:20 has long been my favorite Scripture:  "Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up."


  

April 23rd

Oh, my.  Oh, Lord – You are too good to us.  Your works are wonderful!  Truly, You know the plans you have for us!

WE HAVE IDENTIFIED OUR CHILD!

I NEVER expected this to happen so quickly and as easily as it did.  Let me tell the wonderful story….

One week ago today (April 16^th),  my car was in the shop for some minor repairs and routine maintenance. My husband was taking that day (a Tuesday) off instead of his usual Monday due to some schedule changes, so he picked me up from work, took me to a doctor appointment for a manipulation on my neck and upper back, then drove us to pick up my car and get some dinner.  On the way to the auto shop, I checked my e-mail on my phone and saw that we had a message in our private online adoption “portal” with the subject title “Waiting Child”.  This intrigued me…What about a waiting child, I wondered?  It was hard to wait to get home and see the actual message. 

When I was able to access it, this is what I read:

“Hi D and K,
We received a new referral through our partner in Hong Kong, and thought of your family. I wondered if you may want to take a look? If so, I am posting [child’s] referral here, [your social worker] is aware of this as well. Let me know your thoughts.”

Then I looked at the child study.  This is a more in-depth summary of a child than you would find in a photolisting, but not a complete medical report.  In this case, I learned this child’s gender, birthdate, medical diagnoses, and birth family background.  We didn’t have a preference on the gender.  I did review the birth family background, but honestly, it doesn’t have any bearing on our decision to consider a particular child or not.  The list of medical diagnoses was tricky – Hong Kong uses lots of British English medical terms that are tricky to ‘translate’, so there were several things we were unsure about, but we weren’t alarmed by any of the medical information.  The birth date was significant – I’ll get to that in a bit.

After taking a couple days to research things to the best of our ability, I called our doctor’s office to make an appointment to discuss this child’s file on Thursday (the 18^th). 

We met with our doctor on Monday the 22^nd and were encouraged.  Lots of the things we couldn’t figure out were not a big deal, just variations of normal.  He did say that this little guy looks “syndromic’, meaning he has the look and several anomalies that point to a possible genetic disorder.  I felt compelled to move forward. 

My husband kept asking me if I was ‘sure’.  I couldn’t say a certain ‘yes’.  I mean, it seems that in my (overly-realistic?  pessimistic?) mind that I can never give a certain answer.  There is always a shred of doubt that holds me back.  It was there when I chose a college, when I declared a major both times, on my wedding day, with job changes, etc.  And that ever-present little shred of doubt was still there, even though I wanted so badly to leap forward shouting, “Yes!”  We decided it would be wise to sleep on it at least one night before contacting our agency with an answer.

The next morning (Tuesday the 23^rd), I awoke at 5 a.m. thanks to our very active sump pump.  I had fallen asleep thinking about this child, and my thought was, “I want to say yes.”

I shared that with my husband when I arrived home from work, and he agreed.  We sent our agency the glorious message, “We would like to proceed!”

Our little one is a boy, just over a year old.  We are awaiting our USCIS approval so we can send in our dossier.  Our estimated time from dossier submission to being formally matched is 2-4 months (he is not "officially" ours until then), and we will travel 7-12 months after that.  Urgh – more waiting!  It is going to be so hard to know he is growing without us.  Ideally, we’d travel in January.  I am going to pray that we travel by early March at the latest, as that would save us the hassle and fee to update our home study.

And his birthdate…I just cannot go without mentioning this vignette that demonstrates how my God does all things well.  I had often heard from adoptive mamas that there was some special ESP about the day their child was born.  I basically considered that to be an exaggeration.  But God! 

The day our child was born, I was despairing.  I had been having a very strange period that week.  It came on time, but was extremely light and remained that way for 4-5 days.  I was going crazy wondering if it was implantation bleeding from a pregnancy.  I both did and didn’t want to be pregnant. I wanted to be a mother in whatever way God saw fit to answer my prayers, but I was also so sure we were going to adopt at that point.  I knew if I was pregnant, I would need to grieve again, this time for the adopted child we wouldn’t have at the time.  I went back and forth all week, debating to test or not to test, wondering what to pray for, struggling between hope and dread for conception and adoption alike.  I got two hours of sleep a night for three days straight and ended up leaving work early on that third day because I felt terrible, but picking up a pregnancy test on my way home.

I tested the next morning.  Negative.  And I wept for both relief and sorrow, pain and peace.  I both thanked God and was angry at him.  My full flow, of course, began later that day (and continued for 8 days afterward)….

…and halfway around the world, our son was born.

Oh Lord.  Who knows what He was trying to do with that lining up of events.  Perhaps it was a final test of my faith in the midst of infertility, or to prepare my heart for the rocky road of international adoption, or simply to strengthen me.  One thing is certain – He worked out for the best and for His glory.

As all great gifts from heaven do.

Draining, Rejoicing, Thanking

The past few weeks have been draining.

It’s Lent, so my husband has two sermons to write and memorize each week instead of one.  I fill in as organist more often to relieve the burden on our one regular church organist.  Our church has received a request to form a dual parish with another church of our fellowship (located 30 miles away), so there’s been a lot of conversation on that. Work has been just exhausting for me.  The kids have been SO wired and loud and crazy.  Finally, of course, there is adoption paperwork.  We thought we were ‘done’ with the home study, only to have our social worker request scans of certain dossier documents before she wrote it.  Understandable, but hard for us to do in this busy season, in which we are struggling to find time to sit down together and get any sort of serious decisions made.

We may be changing our country choice, which would mean switching to another agency for placement after our home study is done and in our hands.  I don’t know what our home study (current) agency will think or do about that, but we have to do what’s right for us.  We never were ‘decided’ on country choice (just ‘declared’), can’t see how any of their country programs are going to work for us, and they have been questioning our declaration since we made it, encouraging us to continue elsewhere.  No decisions have been made – at this point, the goal is to simply get the home study done and go from there.  But it’s something needing to be carefully thought over, something else to consider amidst this very mentally full schedule of ours.

It was a wonderful day for some special friends of ours and the adoption of their baby girl was finalized in court today.  Yesterday was a grand day for the sister of an online acquaintance, as they received word that they will soon be parents of twin 3-year-old boys.  I admit, my first, knee-jerk reaction was to cry out of pure selfishness.  What wasn’t it OUR turn?  WE’ve been waiting for over six years for children; these couples had only been waiting about four years each.  When, Lord, will it be MY time?

Yes, selfish.

My struggle today is to rejoice in their triumphs.  And as both couples praise God for answered prayers, I look to focus on my prayers that have been answered, instead of whining about the big one that hasn’t yet received my desired answer.

I prayed long and hard for a significant other…boyfriend or fiancé or husband…and was blessed with my wonderful man, with whom I went from dating to engaged to married in less than ten months.  Many times, while working long, stressful hours to support my husband through Seminary, I pleaded with God that it would end.  It did.  I asked my Heavenly Father for my husband’s vicarage (internship) to be someplace warm, and his first Call to be somewhere back in the Midwest.  YES on both counts, and oh my, what joyful days those were! 

There has also been an unexpected blessing that I never asked for when we decided, rather suddenly, to get a dog last November.  I cannot even begin to express the joy she has brought us!  She has been such a loving, nurturing, healing balm to my hurting heart over the last several months.  We have asked ourselves several times, “Why did we wait so long to get a dog?” only to realize that, if we hadn’t waited, we wouldn’t have this one.

What a fitting prelude to our future adoption.

Our Christmas Letter (partial)

These were the closing paragraphs in our Christmas letter this year.  My husband wrote it :)

"That basically brings us up to the present day, as far as highlights of our year. So, we turn our attention to the future. When you reach a certain age and a certain amount of time of being married, you inevitably hear many questions about the future of your family. One of the unfortunate realities of being a clergy family is that no topic is off limits for questioning. The increase of such inquiries here has reminded us that very likely many of our family and friends are also wondering about the future of our family. That’s only natural.

            Please note that what follows is not public knowledge. Many family members and friends do not know about this and we ask that you don’t discuss this unless you are absolutely certain the people you wish to discuss it with have knowledge of this situation. Please also recognize that this is not something which we wish to discuss unless we bring it up. I hope all that doesn't sound harsh; it certainly isn't meant to! It is simply a painful topic.

            

For reasons we will never know in this life, the Lord has not blessed us with children. This is not by our choosing. We wanted as many children as God would give us. The pain and difficulty of the past 6 years of infertility have brought us to the point of actively pursuing adoption. The time frame is uncertain and will remain so for some time. We are currently working with *an awesome, truly Christian agency* in the hopes of securing an international adoption. This presents many, many obstacles – not the least of which is the several tens of thousands of dollars that an adoption costs (the reason K continues to work full-time), and the time off to travel - which I may or may not have. However, Lord willing, those things will work out and sometime in the (not too distant?) future we will be able bring a child into a loving home.

            So it is that we look to the future of our earthly life with the hopes that our little family will expand. We do this even as this Christmas season we remember the coming of our Savior and look to His final return which will end this vale of tears for all Christians.

            We wish you our Savior’s richest blessings this holiday season and always. It is our prayer that you will be strengthened in faith in Christ through which we possess forgiveness of all our sin, comfort for all trials in this life, and everlasting life in the world to come.

Love,
D&K"

Weary

Today I am weary.

I think there are a myriad of reason for my weariness.  First off, I'm simply tired.  It's hard to work a 40-hour week outside the home, walk the dog for a hour every day, keep a house in order, keep up with organ practice, run a side business (Lilla Rose),  and do Christmas prep tasks.  Of course, I've also got a dear husband and a sweet puppy dog to care for.

I'm a bit mentally drained from the home study process.  We got all the paperwork and three of the four interviews done in less than three weeks.  I'm thrilled that we were efficient, and I'm relieved that it's almost done, but in the aftermath of all that work, my mind is exhausted.

Finally, there's the emotional weariness.  Oh, I'm feeling emotions.  I'm scared.  I fear things falling through, us never becoming parents, and losing tens of thousands of dollars in the process.  I am afraid of not being a good mom.  I am scared of not being able to attach to my future child, or provide for their medical needs, or properly handle institutional behaviors. There's so many unknowns in international adoption, and the reality of them is finally settling in for me.  I'm finding them frightening, and it's tiring.

I would also like to share two specific prayer requests - well, they're kind of two-in-one.  First, that God would send us some kind of clear vision as to which country we should choose.  We are really struggling with that one. I went so far as to say the other day, "This is too big for us.  I just want someone else to decide for us."

Second - there's a precious child of God on our agency's private photolisting that has my heart.  I've known their picture for a few weeks now and have prayed for this particular little one.  Our agency seems excited about our interest in this particular child.  We've gotten their medical history and felt that, although the diagnoses were many, all of this child's needs were either correctable or manageable.  However, we then brought this medical report to our doctors.  One diagnosis has the potential to be far more involved than we imagined.  It's not a deal-breaker for me (though I fear it may be for my husband), but it makes the decision more difficult.

Please pray that the Lord would give us clear, solid direction.  I pray that I will see children through His eyes, not our human ones.

Christmas Ideas

I often get asked for Christmas gift ideas at this time of year.  It's fun to receive gifts, and I appreciate that both my family and my in-laws are big gift-givers.  Of course, it's not the most important part of the holiday, but it is fun!

It's been such a challenge to come up with ideas this year, though.  Some gift cards, a new sweatshirt, and a couple new kitchen items would be nice.  However, I'm stuck beyond that.  Honestly - yes I'd love a dishwasher, but that's a bit much to ask for.

The point is, I'm not desiring much at all this Christmas.  I recently figured out why.

It's because the desire of my heart can't come in a box wrapped in shiny paper.  The desire of my heart is living in an orphanage or foster care in Hong Kong, South Korea, or Uganda.  And I most certainly long for that blessed little desire to be enjoying his or her first Christmas with us, in his or her forever home, in 2013.

Changes

First off, I want to share about a big, fun giveaway that a sweet acquaintance of mine is doing!  Caroline is a fellow Lilla Rose consultant and blogs at www.themodestmomblog.com  She also runs an online store with skirts, shells, and other great clothing items.  I have two skirts and three layering shells from her and love them all!  She is changing the name of her business to Deborah & Co. to reflect her service to all women, not just moms.  To celebrate this, she's having a great giveaway!  Go check it out at http://www.themodestmomblog.com/2012/10/huge-giveaway-even-bigger-announcement/

Next, an update on us.  In my last post, I shared that we were back to the drawing board with domestic adoption, as well as my fears and misgivings about it.  Well, God.  I just love how full of surprises He can be!  We are on two waiting lists to begin a domestic adoption, but also working on a formal application for international adoption as well.

You see, one of the agencies that we're working with for domestic also does international adoptions.  When we had our initial telephone conference with them earlier this week, she really encouraged us to fill out a pre-application for international as well since we were so drawn to it.  We explained that we weren't sure if any of their country programs would accept us (due to age/length of marriage/history of mental health diagnoses), or if we could meet the travel requirements or needs of children available in the countries we did qualify for.  She very gently persuaded us to fill out the free pre-application to see what we would qualify for and to go from there.

I'm so glad we did!  We are pre-approved for seven of their country programs.  Now, none of them are "ideal" in terms of having children with needs we feel we can meet, or travel requirements that would be 'easy' for us to fulfill, but we have decided to proceed.  We've decided to let God get to work and are praying hard that He will lead us to the child He's chosen for us.

And yes, we have already asked to see their discipline policy.  I cried when I read it..for relief.  I was so relieved it was something we could sign, and relieved that there are still Christian agencies that adhere to Scripture.  The whole policy was so beautifully written, we couldn't have come up with a more perfectly stated, Christ-centered, discipline philosophy.  We are so impressed with this new agency thus far!

Hopefully, we will have some more direction in the form of our agency's opinion next week.  As always, we would graciously appreciate your prayers!

Thy Will Be Done

These are the words that I wished I could say and mean during our earlier days of our infertility.  They are, after all, words from the Lord’s Prayer, which Jesus modeled for us after saying, “This is how you should pray.”  It’s what my pastors taught me to close our prayers with.  I was often told, “God’s will is best.”  And believed it.  But once tougher times in life came upon me, it was hard to get those words out, and it was even harder to mean them when I spoke them.

As mentioned in my earliest post, I have a psychology degree.  It was not my original major.  In fact, I often feel like I didn’t earn this degree because I only spent the last of my four college years as a psych major,  I was a nursing major for the first three years.  To make a long, sad, and painful story short, I burned out when a major depression arose in me, stemming from family problems and severe stress.  I was on meds, in therapy, etc. and simply did not have the presence of mind needed to ‘perform’ up to par in clinicals during that third year.  After two marginal passes, my options were to appeal or accept defeat.  I am still amazed at how peacefully and clearly I was able to understand all the signs from God that this season in my life was done, and walk away.

I did not make this decision without pain, and certainly spent several months grieving this loss.  I remember often wondering why God would lead me down that path in the first place, if only to fail.  My answer (or at least, what I think is the answer) came a few months after I withdrew from the nursing program. 

I still had a certified nursing assistant’s license and held a job at a hospital in the area.  One July night, I helped take care of a young man, just a few years older than I, who was being treated for a severe broken leg and broken arm.  He had gotten those injuries in a car crash, where he was driving drunk and the person he hit was killed.  When I stepped in to say I was done for the night, he was frantically flipping through Bible with tears in his eyes.  “I have to know that I can be forgiven,” he told me.  He noticed the gold cross necklace that I was wearing and asked, “Where should I read?” 

My heart broke for him.  “I would start with the Psalms,” I said, squeezing his hand.  “I will be back in the morning, and I will pray for you.”

The next morning, I was assigned to that same bank of rooms.  When I entered his, he handed me a piece of paper.   He had a soft smile and tears in his eyes, the look of someone too choked up to speak.

The paper read, “I felt God last night.  He forgives me and loves me.  I believe in Him.”  The young man choked out a, “Thank you,” as I reached for his hand again, and my own eyes filled with tears.  Oh, the power of God’s Word!  It is so easy to forget how strong it is, until we see it in action, bringing sinners to faith.

Several days after this, it dawned on me that had I not been a nursing major, I would not have had that CNA job, and I would never have been there for that young man being brought to faith.  There have, or course, been times since then when my sinful nature has asked, “Was it all really worth it for just one man to receive faith?”  

“Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.” (Luke 15:7 ESV).   

So, yes.  Worth it ALL.

If God’s will was for me to endure my tough years in nursing school just to be available to witness to that young man, so be it.  It's hard to feel this way – but the Bible verse above clearly illustrates how precious and important it is to God for unbelievers to repent, and come to a knowledge of the truth. 

Thy Will Be Done.

And in the same way, the more I look into our future as (hopefully) parents by adoption, the more I see how God may have allowed us to suffer through infertility, in order to lead us to adopt a child who otherwise would have grown up as an orphan – or worse, a child that would have otherwise not been baptized or heard God’s Word.  And if that is how he works our lives to His glory, so be it. 

If that is how He intends to bring another soul to faith in Him, may it be so. 

If we are to be His instruments in this blessed manner – speak, O Lord, for your servants are listening.

As the familiar hymn goes, "What God ordains is always good."

May God’s will alone be done.

Mother's Day for the Infertile

My heart goes out to any other ladies struggling with infertility on this day. 

It stings a little, but I am thanking and praising God for the strength He is giving me.  I am doing so much better on Mother’s Day today than I was just two or three years ago.  In fact, it was three years ago that I told my husband I wasn’t going to church on Mother’s Day until I was a mom, because it just hurt too much to see all the moms get recognized while I bit my lip and struggled not to burst into tears.  By His grace and strength, I went to church today, and it didn’t really bother me when mothers were acknowledged at the end of the service.

I'd like to close with what a good friend of mine had as her Facebook status this day last year.  She and her husband struggled with infertility as well, adopted, and now have two grown-up daughters:

“Happy mother's day to all the moms, grandmothers, and to all those who long to be a mother.”


This post is linked to Modest Mondays

Heavy Heart

Today my heart is heavy.  We have all but decided that domestic adoption will not be an option for us.  I received an e-mail response to several questions that we’d sent to our agency of choice.  Among those questions was our concern about only wanting a closed or extremely limited contact adoption.  Their reply was pretty clear:  That would severely limit our chances of ever being chosen by a birthmother.

We were just $1,800 short of what that particular agency charged for domestic infant adoptions, and now we will need almost double for an international.

I am trying so hard to see the good in this.  We are blessed.  We are incredibly blessed that we are even able to consider an international adoption, finance-wise.  It is a blessing that we found this out now and not after already having invested money in a domestic homestudy.  I am blessed to be closer to realizing the dream that God laid on my heart when I was 16 to become a mom to internationally adopted children (I have cousins who were adopted internationally at that point in my life and it impacted me tremendously).

However, it still hurts.  It’s hard to think about enduring another two to three years of working outside the home to save up a lot more money (my hours are decreasing next year and we need to start saving for our next car, so we won’t be able to save as much as we did this year).  The very real possibility that I may be in my thirties before I can call myself a mom, stings.  It saddens me greatly that I will most likely be limited to one child due to the enormous cost of international adoptions.

It is difficult and painful, but I am trying to trust that God’s plan for me is better than the one I imagine for myself.

I have memorized this verse of the hymn “All Depends on Our Possessing” from the hymnal “Christian Worship: A Lutheran Hymnal.”  These words are so fitting for maintaining faith during a trial like infertility:

“Well He knows what best to grant me

All the longing hopes that haunt me

Joy and sorrow have their day

I shall doubt His wisdom never

As God wills, so be it ever

I to Him commit my way.”

-Andachtige Haus-Kirche, Nurnberg

Scriptures and Hymns for Holy Week

Maunday Thursday:

"Grant that we worthily receive
Thy Supper, Lord, our Savior
And truly grieving o'er our sins
May prove by our behavior
That we are thankful for Thy grace
And day by day may run our race
With holiness increasing."


Good Friday:


"Calv'ry's mournful mountain climb, There, adoring at His feet, Mark that miracle of time, God's own sacrifice complete! "It is finished!" hear Him cry; Learn of Jesus Christ to die." CW 104 v. 3

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

"But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities, the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him - and by His wounds, we are healed." Isaiah 53:5


Easter:


"The strife is o'er, the battle done;
Now is the victor's triumph won;
Now be the song of praise begun, Alleluia!

Lord, by the stripes which wounded You
From death's sting free your Your servants, too,
That we may live and sing to You. Alleluia!"

Our Adoption Journey, Part 2

“Adoption” is a very broad term in today’s world.  The two types we are looking into are domestic infant adoption and international adoption. 

Domestic infant adoption is *probably* cheaper, but I am wary of how the outcome depends entirely on a birth mother to select you to parent her unborn child.  I guess I’m a little afraid that our conservativeness could come off as weird or freakish.  We also are not comfortable with any kind of open adoption, and closed adoptions seem to be getting more and more rare.  Of course, if you are never selected by a birthmother, all the money and time you’re invested in the home study and the agency is gone.  That’s a big risk in my book. Finally, I take issue with the ‘waiting period’ that the birth mother has to change her mind between the birth and finalization. In our state it is 96 hours (four days), which isn’t the worst, but my heart would break if we took a baby home for four days and then baby’s birthmother wanted him or her back. 

International adoption is pricey, mostly because of all the paperwork that must be done in both the U.S. and your adoptive country.  Everything needs to be translated, and in the vast majority of cases, travel is required.  This is tough for us as we cannot be gone on long trips due to my husband’s work (and he HATES to fly!). However, in most countries, a couple is matched with a child that is already free for adoption – no ‘waiting period’, no waiting to be selected by a birthmom, no requirements to maintain contact with a birth family.  I have family members that were adopted internationally and it was a great experience for me to see.  They are not without their struggles, but it was a powerful lesson in love for me that has impacted me, and I would like to make a difference that way, too.

What country?  Well, this complicate things even further, my husband and I are too young (26) for many countries (China, for example, requires parents to be 30; the Philippines requires age 27).  Furthermore, our mental health histories also eliminate a LOT of the most common countries that Americans adopt from.  It was really kind of heart-breaking to see so many possibilities slip away just because we’ve both endured major depressive episodes at times in our lives. (Who goes through infertility without depression, anyways?)  The trend in international adoptions has also shifted from healthy, older babies and young toddlers to older children or children with special needs.  Now I’m not afraid to welcome a special needs child as my own, but I need to be honest about our situation.  We will be on one small income after we are parents.  Our current insurance is good – does not deny coverage for pre-existing conditions – but it’s pricey and may very well have to go in favor of something with lower premiums.  We’re afraid to take an older child as our first – we feel like we need some parenting experience “growing up” with a younger child first.  Also (could this get any harder?) some countries require a ‘ent worth’ or have income requirements that we don’t meet, being a ministry couple with old cars and living in a parsonage.  So, what country lets you adopt from them if you don’t make a ton of money, have depression in your medical history, has young kids available, and doesn’t require multiple trips or one long trip?  South Korea.  Vietnam is also a possibility if they re-open for international adoptions in 2012 as indicated.

As you can probably tell, my heart is leaning toward international, but my husband is unsure as this point.  If you would, please pray that God’s will is made known to us, and that we follow it. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding, In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV

Our Adoption Journey...

…hasn’t really started yet, though I am very anxious to begin.  Let me feel like things are moving by telling you a bit about it.

We’ve been married for very nearly five years (our anniversary is around Christmas).  Birth control was not something we wanted to do or can do with clear consciences.  God commands His people to be fruitful and multiply (Gen. 1:28) and proclaims that children are a blessing and a reward (Psalm 127). 

I will admit that we did very loosely practice the calendar method for the first year or so of our marriage.  We didn’t want to, but we didn’t have health insurance through my job, my husband was a full-time student, we couldn’t afford to buy our own insurance and didn’t qualify for state benefits due to residency requirements.  The tough decision was made, and let me tell you, I regret it completely.  I wonder almost every day if our one chance to conceive was during that year and we threw it away for the sake of what we perceived to be social responsibility.

After that year I got a job with benefits and we quit watching the calendar.  This was in January 2008.  I tried to relax and we prayed.  We were pretty patient for a year, then I started getting a little concerned.  At this point my insomnia had been going strong for seven months and I saw a doctor.  She ordered bloodwork to check a myriad of things.  The results showed nothing abnormal and cost us $800.  I bought and read “Taking Charge of your Fertility” by Toni Weschler.   We implemented the BBT method for the entire calendar year of 2009.  I also bought and used Dr. Lee’s progesterone cream that year.  It helped neither my insomnia, nor my painful periods, nor our infertility.

In January 2010 I quit my high-stress job I’d held for two years.  I wondered if that would make a difference (but that wasn’t the reason I quit).  It didn’t.  In spring that year, my husband finished the classroom portion of his seminary studies and was assigned his internship in a tropical climate.  We moved from the Midwest to the subtropics.  I wondered if the sun, the gentler climate, and working part-time would open my womb – nope.  In summer 2011 my husband was assigned his first church as a pastor, back in the Midwest, and this is where we are at.

I think that when we got the $800 doctor bill for the bloodwork I got done in January 2009, we decided that we weren’t going to pour any more money into tests or treatment for this.  I don’t feel right putting money into testing that may or may not give answers.  Even if answers were found, there’s no guarantee that the medical field can fix them.  And we have moral issues with many of the ‘treatments’ for infertility, including IVF, IUI, and AI.  Rather than even start down that road, we want to dedicate our time and our finances to being parents to a child that needs us.  I have cousins who were adopted when I was a teenager, and that has always been on my heart.  Adoption was the natural next step to parenthood for us.

To be continued in next post: “Adoption” is a very broad term in today’s world.  The two types we are looking into are domestic infant adoption and international adoption. 

Thankful

There was a mini-movement on Facebook this year to post an item you were thankful for in your status from November 1 to November 24 (Thanksgiving).  I put down 25 since I like my numbers to be multiples of five.  :)

1.  Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

2. Martin Luther

3. Being a member of a church body that believes, teaches, and confesses Scriptural truth.

4. My baptism

5. the Lord’s Supper

6. My husband and my pastor (they’re one and the same)

7. Living in the Midwest

8. Christian parents

9. Christian teachers and mentors throughout all my school years

10. Godly in-laws

11. Music

12. Musical ability

13. Living close to family

14. A lovely house to call ‘home’

15. My job

16. God-fearing co-workers

17.Having the resources to consider an international adoption

18.Being able to access, read, and study God’s word

19. My practical, faithful car

20. Fourteen years of sweet companionship with our (my parents, sisters, and my) family dog who had to be put down in September

21. Facebook – sounds shallow I know, but it really helps us feel like we can stay in touch and be social with our closest friends and family in other states

22. Books

23. The Green Bay Packers

24. Gymnastics

25. Great,understanding doctors