PAP (Prospective Adoptive Parent) Waiting Questionnaire

Becca over at Milk & Honey Living has been posting this ‘Waiting Questionnaire for the Adoptive Mother’.  I thought it was great, and I’d like to do this here once a month or so!

How long have you been waiting? Our home study was completed on March 28^th, we identified and committed to a specific waiting child on April 23^rd, shipped our dossier to Hong Kong on May 31^st.  And we’ve been married almost seven years and hoping for children the whole time.  I guess we’ve been waiting anywhere between four and a half months and 6 years 10 months, depending on how you look at it.

How do you feel this week? Honestly, I have been really antsy and getting frustrated.  We were told that the official matching approval would come within two to four months after the dossier was sent, and that Hong Kong's process was consistently within that time frame.  It has now been four and a half months.

What’s been on your mind? I’m thinking on where to get training on g-tube feedings and supplemental oxygen for our little guy, since he requires those for the time being.  Once the match occurs, we’ll contact our county public health department and go from there.  I also wonder if our little one is a morning person or a night owl, and how our dog will adjust to a child in the home.

What are your prayers for this baby? I have been praying daily that he is safe, his needs are being met, and that we will be matched and travel SOON.

What are you doing to prepare? I’ve been de-cluttering the house to prepare for the influx of baby/toddler gear!  I’ve started a pile of things for our future son (baskets and blankets) in the guest bedroom, which we’ll covert to our child’s bedroom.

How are you taking care of yourself this week? I’m trying to get back into working out five days per week.  I did Rip’t Circuit yesterday and Speed 2.0 today.

Nervous about anything? Yes, I’m nervous about why this match is taking so long.

Dreaming about/Looking forward to this week:  I am praying that this match is coming any day now!

New Baby Items:  I haven’t bought anything lately.  Over the summer I got an ERGO carrier and a Seven sling, plus an adorable and hilarious t-shirt that I just couldn’t pass up!  I was also nice and got him a Colts hat, on behalf of my hubby the Colts fans.  Now I need to look for a Packer something for our little dude.

What is your number one recommendation for those in waiting? Pray and read Scripture. Find things to do and keep busy! 

One Year Ago....

It's about to be October and the early days of autumn.  The weather is what I consider ideal - breezy, sunny, with highs in the high 70s and low 80s and very low humidity.  Fall is a time to remember.  I often ponder the "Seasons of Life" when the seasons change.

Right now, I'm remembering this time last year.  It was excruciatingly, painfully emotional.  Within a week, a friend of ours died, I got terrible news about my extended family that resulted in my uncle going to jail, I got correspondence from the final agency in our state that placed adoptions from South Korea and learned we would not be able to adopt from them.  My heart broke, and I ran to our bedroom to cry and kick and scream.  I thought that was the end of any possibility to adopt.  Did I mention that my husband was gone at a conference and that I got strep throat at the end of the week?  Honestly, it was the worst week of my life.

Then, a friend of mine  posted a portion of Matthew 16:24 as his Facebook status: "If anyone would come after Me, let Him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me."  And, well, that ceased any thoughts of anger or hatred towards God.  I was hurt and struggling and felt so spiritually weak, but I knew we were doing the right thing.

How far we have come in a year - from deciding to give domestic adoption a try a few weeks after that terrible week, to returning to international adoption through a completely different plan, to finally deciding on Hong Kong despite our agency's hesitation, to committing to a special needs child, to now - waiting for matching approval that looks like it will come any day now (we got word last week that it is being written, along with some updates on the child we have committed to).

That being said, my message today is:  Don't give up.  Don't think a pursuit or a dream is ended when all doors seem to be shut.  Never doubt that our God is greater and more powerful than all things of this world, and He can use the most desperate and dark of situations to let His glory shine though our lives.

Psalm 71:20 has long been my favorite Scripture:  "Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up."


  

Adoption Update: Waiting to be Matched

I feel like I need to apologize for the lack of updating.  At the same time, apologizing seems silly because there really hasn’t been much to update anyone one. 

We did receive “supplemental questions for matching approval” from the Hong Kong government’s adoption unit on August 2^nd.  They wanted more information, such as photos of the inside of our home; a picture of our dog, how big she is, and how she handles children; more information about our community, etc.  I think we received it on a Friday, I tackled it over the weekend and our Hong Kong worker had it by Monday morning.  The good news is, our paperwork is being processed, and hopefully we have an answer soon.

Obviously, it is hard to wait.  I don’t feel nervous 24/7, but my heart does a little jump every time the phone rings, and every time I check e-mail I’m hoping for a message from our agency’s Hong Kong worker.  Matching could happen any day now….

While we wait, I am praying.  I pray that ‘our’ little one will be matched with us SOON, that he is safe, and that his needs are being met. 

In other news…I’m back to work. Thankfully, my request to be part-time this year was honored!  I go in on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.  I love that I have plenty of time to prepare healthy food, clean, work out, bond with our little beagle, etc.  The time has even been found to play piano and read for fun. I need to turn off the TV more often and make time for those hobbies.  My husband is just keeping busy with two churches.  His busy season (school year) is about to start, so we are trying to lay low and conserve our energy.

In closing, I have been reflecting on Ecclesiastes 3:11 lately - "He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end." 

Our Milestone Blessing

I continued to be so humbled and amazed by how God is aligning all the steps for us to adopt.  After so many dark, lonely, and painful years, we see the light!

            If you’ve been following on our journey (I doubt many have, as I struggle to update this blog often!)  you know that we’ve been saving for several years to begin this journey.  We started work on a homestudy in November 2012, had an approved homestudy by March 2013, identified ‘our’ waiting child in April, and our dossier was shipped to Hong Kong on May 31^st.  Currently, we are waiting to be officially matched with this child, and then take the steps to secure a travel date (!).

            In early June, we met a savings goal for this adoption - $25,000 total saved, which should more or less cover all adoption expenses (including fees we have already paid).

            I am still astounded as to how that happened…but I’ll do my best to explain how we accomplished that.

            We didn’t fundraise, ask people for money, or apply for grants.  Not that we think there is anything wrong with that, but our area and situation wasn’t conducive to fundraising, we weren’t comfortable asking people for money, and by the time we were able to look at grants it was clear that we didn’t need them.

            We did: Live on one income (my husband’s) while saving mine (minus tithe and taxes) for three years.  The first year, I was working around 20-25 hours per week; the next two years it was a full 40 with the exception of summer and vacations. We saved part or all of any money we were given as gifts.  I signed up to be a consultant for Lilla Rose, started playing organ for church on occasion, and put those earnings into our adoption fund. 

            It doesn’t sound like much, and I amazed by God’s blessing and provision to make everything fall in place.  To Him be the glory, honor, and praise, both now and forevermore!

I am linking up with:

April 23rd

Oh, my.  Oh, Lord – You are too good to us.  Your works are wonderful!  Truly, You know the plans you have for us!

WE HAVE IDENTIFIED OUR CHILD!

I NEVER expected this to happen so quickly and as easily as it did.  Let me tell the wonderful story….

One week ago today (April 16^th),  my car was in the shop for some minor repairs and routine maintenance. My husband was taking that day (a Tuesday) off instead of his usual Monday due to some schedule changes, so he picked me up from work, took me to a doctor appointment for a manipulation on my neck and upper back, then drove us to pick up my car and get some dinner.  On the way to the auto shop, I checked my e-mail on my phone and saw that we had a message in our private online adoption “portal” with the subject title “Waiting Child”.  This intrigued me…What about a waiting child, I wondered?  It was hard to wait to get home and see the actual message. 

When I was able to access it, this is what I read:

“Hi D and K,
We received a new referral through our partner in Hong Kong, and thought of your family. I wondered if you may want to take a look? If so, I am posting [child’s] referral here, [your social worker] is aware of this as well. Let me know your thoughts.”

Then I looked at the child study.  This is a more in-depth summary of a child than you would find in a photolisting, but not a complete medical report.  In this case, I learned this child’s gender, birthdate, medical diagnoses, and birth family background.  We didn’t have a preference on the gender.  I did review the birth family background, but honestly, it doesn’t have any bearing on our decision to consider a particular child or not.  The list of medical diagnoses was tricky – Hong Kong uses lots of British English medical terms that are tricky to ‘translate’, so there were several things we were unsure about, but we weren’t alarmed by any of the medical information.  The birth date was significant – I’ll get to that in a bit.

After taking a couple days to research things to the best of our ability, I called our doctor’s office to make an appointment to discuss this child’s file on Thursday (the 18^th). 

We met with our doctor on Monday the 22^nd and were encouraged.  Lots of the things we couldn’t figure out were not a big deal, just variations of normal.  He did say that this little guy looks “syndromic’, meaning he has the look and several anomalies that point to a possible genetic disorder.  I felt compelled to move forward. 

My husband kept asking me if I was ‘sure’.  I couldn’t say a certain ‘yes’.  I mean, it seems that in my (overly-realistic?  pessimistic?) mind that I can never give a certain answer.  There is always a shred of doubt that holds me back.  It was there when I chose a college, when I declared a major both times, on my wedding day, with job changes, etc.  And that ever-present little shred of doubt was still there, even though I wanted so badly to leap forward shouting, “Yes!”  We decided it would be wise to sleep on it at least one night before contacting our agency with an answer.

The next morning (Tuesday the 23^rd), I awoke at 5 a.m. thanks to our very active sump pump.  I had fallen asleep thinking about this child, and my thought was, “I want to say yes.”

I shared that with my husband when I arrived home from work, and he agreed.  We sent our agency the glorious message, “We would like to proceed!”

Our little one is a boy, just over a year old.  We are awaiting our USCIS approval so we can send in our dossier.  Our estimated time from dossier submission to being formally matched is 2-4 months (he is not "officially" ours until then), and we will travel 7-12 months after that.  Urgh – more waiting!  It is going to be so hard to know he is growing without us.  Ideally, we’d travel in January.  I am going to pray that we travel by early March at the latest, as that would save us the hassle and fee to update our home study.

And his birthdate…I just cannot go without mentioning this vignette that demonstrates how my God does all things well.  I had often heard from adoptive mamas that there was some special ESP about the day their child was born.  I basically considered that to be an exaggeration.  But God! 

The day our child was born, I was despairing.  I had been having a very strange period that week.  It came on time, but was extremely light and remained that way for 4-5 days.  I was going crazy wondering if it was implantation bleeding from a pregnancy.  I both did and didn’t want to be pregnant. I wanted to be a mother in whatever way God saw fit to answer my prayers, but I was also so sure we were going to adopt at that point.  I knew if I was pregnant, I would need to grieve again, this time for the adopted child we wouldn’t have at the time.  I went back and forth all week, debating to test or not to test, wondering what to pray for, struggling between hope and dread for conception and adoption alike.  I got two hours of sleep a night for three days straight and ended up leaving work early on that third day because I felt terrible, but picking up a pregnancy test on my way home.

I tested the next morning.  Negative.  And I wept for both relief and sorrow, pain and peace.  I both thanked God and was angry at him.  My full flow, of course, began later that day (and continued for 8 days afterward)….

…and halfway around the world, our son was born.

Oh Lord.  Who knows what He was trying to do with that lining up of events.  Perhaps it was a final test of my faith in the midst of infertility, or to prepare my heart for the rocky road of international adoption, or simply to strengthen me.  One thing is certain – He worked out for the best and for His glory.

As all great gifts from heaven do.

Draining, Rejoicing, Thanking

The past few weeks have been draining.

It’s Lent, so my husband has two sermons to write and memorize each week instead of one.  I fill in as organist more often to relieve the burden on our one regular church organist.  Our church has received a request to form a dual parish with another church of our fellowship (located 30 miles away), so there’s been a lot of conversation on that. Work has been just exhausting for me.  The kids have been SO wired and loud and crazy.  Finally, of course, there is adoption paperwork.  We thought we were ‘done’ with the home study, only to have our social worker request scans of certain dossier documents before she wrote it.  Understandable, but hard for us to do in this busy season, in which we are struggling to find time to sit down together and get any sort of serious decisions made.

We may be changing our country choice, which would mean switching to another agency for placement after our home study is done and in our hands.  I don’t know what our home study (current) agency will think or do about that, but we have to do what’s right for us.  We never were ‘decided’ on country choice (just ‘declared’), can’t see how any of their country programs are going to work for us, and they have been questioning our declaration since we made it, encouraging us to continue elsewhere.  No decisions have been made – at this point, the goal is to simply get the home study done and go from there.  But it’s something needing to be carefully thought over, something else to consider amidst this very mentally full schedule of ours.

It was a wonderful day for some special friends of ours and the adoption of their baby girl was finalized in court today.  Yesterday was a grand day for the sister of an online acquaintance, as they received word that they will soon be parents of twin 3-year-old boys.  I admit, my first, knee-jerk reaction was to cry out of pure selfishness.  What wasn’t it OUR turn?  WE’ve been waiting for over six years for children; these couples had only been waiting about four years each.  When, Lord, will it be MY time?

Yes, selfish.

My struggle today is to rejoice in their triumphs.  And as both couples praise God for answered prayers, I look to focus on my prayers that have been answered, instead of whining about the big one that hasn’t yet received my desired answer.

I prayed long and hard for a significant other…boyfriend or fiancé or husband…and was blessed with my wonderful man, with whom I went from dating to engaged to married in less than ten months.  Many times, while working long, stressful hours to support my husband through Seminary, I pleaded with God that it would end.  It did.  I asked my Heavenly Father for my husband’s vicarage (internship) to be someplace warm, and his first Call to be somewhere back in the Midwest.  YES on both counts, and oh my, what joyful days those were! 

There has also been an unexpected blessing that I never asked for when we decided, rather suddenly, to get a dog last November.  I cannot even begin to express the joy she has brought us!  She has been such a loving, nurturing, healing balm to my hurting heart over the last several months.  We have asked ourselves several times, “Why did we wait so long to get a dog?” only to realize that, if we hadn’t waited, we wouldn’t have this one.

What a fitting prelude to our future adoption.

February Song

(The title of this post is borrowed from the lovely Josh Groban work, "February Song.")

Oh, February.  I think it's always been my least favorite month.  First off, there's the weather.  Gray, cloudy, slushy, muddy, and cold.  It really depresses me, to the point that I bought a therapy lamp last year.  Also, growing up, I hated Valentine's Day because I had no Valentine.  Of course, that changed when I got married.  My husband also happens to have a February birthday, which is something to look forward to.  In 2010-2011 we spent a year in the subtropics and I found I LOVED February.  The weather was absolutely beautiful.  It was quite the contrast to February in the upper Midwest, which we are now back to.  Gloom, gray, and cold.

It's kind of a fitting picture.  While it feels much better to be actually 'in-process' with adoption, it still feels stagnant.  We put so much work and time into the home study, only to move on to the more intensive dossier.  We declared a country (Hong Kong), only to still feel completely undecided about where we are adopting from.  As our social worker and the country representative have continued to constantly remind us, it is a program that only has children with moderate-major, lifelong special needs available.  I think we are both afraid of moving one step forward, only to take two steps back.

The point of my post here was to provide a bit of an update on our adoption status, as well as our mental and emotional states.  I guess I've done that.  You can see that things are moving, but we are as uncertain and fearful as ever.

God is in control, and He knows what He is doing.  His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.  I can rest in that.

Post-Holiday

Well, it's 2013.

Every time the date changes, it's a struggle for me.  We married in very late 2006 with the intention of not using birth control, thinking that we surely would have a baby or be expecting by our one-year anniversary.

I very clearly remember being on my knees, in tears, at my in-laws' house during Christmas 2007.  I so desperately wanted a child and we had not received that blessing, despite being open to receive it as soon as God would give it.  Meantime, my brother-in-law and his wife were at that Christmas celebration with their baby girl...let's just say it hurt.

It's five years later....Five years in which I thought, SURELY, we would be able to conceive and have a child at some point.  This has not been the case.  Adoptions usually take place in less than five years; unfortunately, we were not able to start that until just this past year due to all the moving around we'd have to do.

Holidays work like that changing date - a glaring reminder that time has passed, and that desire of my heart is still not mine.  I find the period after Christmas to be especially tough.  We've had time with family, trying to save face when people hint about 'why we don't have kids yet', the year changes shortly after Christmas, and then there's the post-holiday withdrawal from the season, from family time, along with the scramble of unpacking/laundry/finding homes for gifts/cleaning/getting back to work.

This year, we're having an extra-difficult time with (STILL) trying to choose a child/country.  To make me feel even worse, that same brother-in-law and his wife had their second child this morning.  It hurts. I realize I'm being sinful and selfish, but I want to share my feelings here.  Their two children are nearly six years apart in age - the same amount of time we've been married - and it's a very obvious reminder of our failure to become parents (either by birth or adoption) in that time.  I saw pictures of the baby being held my his grandparents - my husband's parents - on Facebook, and my heart broke.  They are the joy and center of my mother-in-law's life, and I completely fail to add to her joy.

I realize this isn't a happy post :( Please forgive me.  Please keep us in your prayers, that we may soon have a decision and some direction, and that some day I will be able to read this and think, "It was worth it."

Our Christmas Letter (partial)

These were the closing paragraphs in our Christmas letter this year.  My husband wrote it :)

"That basically brings us up to the present day, as far as highlights of our year. So, we turn our attention to the future. When you reach a certain age and a certain amount of time of being married, you inevitably hear many questions about the future of your family. One of the unfortunate realities of being a clergy family is that no topic is off limits for questioning. The increase of such inquiries here has reminded us that very likely many of our family and friends are also wondering about the future of our family. That’s only natural.

            Please note that what follows is not public knowledge. Many family members and friends do not know about this and we ask that you don’t discuss this unless you are absolutely certain the people you wish to discuss it with have knowledge of this situation. Please also recognize that this is not something which we wish to discuss unless we bring it up. I hope all that doesn't sound harsh; it certainly isn't meant to! It is simply a painful topic.

            

For reasons we will never know in this life, the Lord has not blessed us with children. This is not by our choosing. We wanted as many children as God would give us. The pain and difficulty of the past 6 years of infertility have brought us to the point of actively pursuing adoption. The time frame is uncertain and will remain so for some time. We are currently working with *an awesome, truly Christian agency* in the hopes of securing an international adoption. This presents many, many obstacles – not the least of which is the several tens of thousands of dollars that an adoption costs (the reason K continues to work full-time), and the time off to travel - which I may or may not have. However, Lord willing, those things will work out and sometime in the (not too distant?) future we will be able bring a child into a loving home.

            So it is that we look to the future of our earthly life with the hopes that our little family will expand. We do this even as this Christmas season we remember the coming of our Savior and look to His final return which will end this vale of tears for all Christians.

            We wish you our Savior’s richest blessings this holiday season and always. It is our prayer that you will be strengthened in faith in Christ through which we possess forgiveness of all our sin, comfort for all trials in this life, and everlasting life in the world to come.

Love,
D&K"

Weary

Today I am weary.

I think there are a myriad of reason for my weariness.  First off, I'm simply tired.  It's hard to work a 40-hour week outside the home, walk the dog for a hour every day, keep a house in order, keep up with organ practice, run a side business (Lilla Rose),  and do Christmas prep tasks.  Of course, I've also got a dear husband and a sweet puppy dog to care for.

I'm a bit mentally drained from the home study process.  We got all the paperwork and three of the four interviews done in less than three weeks.  I'm thrilled that we were efficient, and I'm relieved that it's almost done, but in the aftermath of all that work, my mind is exhausted.

Finally, there's the emotional weariness.  Oh, I'm feeling emotions.  I'm scared.  I fear things falling through, us never becoming parents, and losing tens of thousands of dollars in the process.  I am afraid of not being a good mom.  I am scared of not being able to attach to my future child, or provide for their medical needs, or properly handle institutional behaviors. There's so many unknowns in international adoption, and the reality of them is finally settling in for me.  I'm finding them frightening, and it's tiring.

I would also like to share two specific prayer requests - well, they're kind of two-in-one.  First, that God would send us some kind of clear vision as to which country we should choose.  We are really struggling with that one. I went so far as to say the other day, "This is too big for us.  I just want someone else to decide for us."

Second - there's a precious child of God on our agency's private photolisting that has my heart.  I've known their picture for a few weeks now and have prayed for this particular little one.  Our agency seems excited about our interest in this particular child.  We've gotten their medical history and felt that, although the diagnoses were many, all of this child's needs were either correctable or manageable.  However, we then brought this medical report to our doctors.  One diagnosis has the potential to be far more involved than we imagined.  It's not a deal-breaker for me (though I fear it may be for my husband), but it makes the decision more difficult.

Please pray that the Lord would give us clear, solid direction.  I pray that I will see children through His eyes, not our human ones.

Christmas Ideas

I often get asked for Christmas gift ideas at this time of year.  It's fun to receive gifts, and I appreciate that both my family and my in-laws are big gift-givers.  Of course, it's not the most important part of the holiday, but it is fun!

It's been such a challenge to come up with ideas this year, though.  Some gift cards, a new sweatshirt, and a couple new kitchen items would be nice.  However, I'm stuck beyond that.  Honestly - yes I'd love a dishwasher, but that's a bit much to ask for.

The point is, I'm not desiring much at all this Christmas.  I recently figured out why.

It's because the desire of my heart can't come in a box wrapped in shiny paper.  The desire of my heart is living in an orphanage or foster care in Hong Kong, South Korea, or Uganda.  And I most certainly long for that blessed little desire to be enjoying his or her first Christmas with us, in his or her forever home, in 2013.

Blessed Thanksgiving!

Most individuals that struggle with infertility will tell you that holidays are hard.  I’m one of them.  They are an annual marker of more time passed, and I’m still not a mama.

This Thanksgiving was definitely more joyful than previous ones, however, as we spent much of it filling out adoption study paperwork!

I indicated in my last post that we were re-considering domestic adoption, as well as an international adoption, with a new agency. We were pre-approved for Bulgaria, Colombia, Ethiopia, Ghana, Hong Kong, and Uganda. We could also choose to adopt from South Korea or South Africa.  God used a variety of factors to lead us to international adoption (again).

The week before Thanksgiving, we submitted our formal application, received formal approval, and made our first payment to our agency.  The services contract and notice of privacy practices were printed, signed, and mailed out.  Once again, we’re in this for real!

Last Friday, we got a call from our social worker asking if we would be able to get one of our home visits done on Tuesday.  Um, yes!  Our agency’s “local” office is over three hours away, but she was going to be in our area.  That worked out so nicely!  She was here from seven o’clock to about eight-thirty. 

We felt very comfortable with her and were able to get quite a bit of work done on our home study!  We signed their discipline policy, statement of faith, and a host of other papers that I can’t remember.  She went through some of the early phases of interviews, which including asking us what led us to pursue international adoption, what led us to where we live now, our support networks, and what we know about international adoption.  I was very proud and encouraged by her responses.  She said that our perceptions were wonderful and that she is excited for us!  Our social worker also did the walk-through of our home already.  We knew it was a possibility, so we had cleaned and straightened things up and whatnot.  Honestly, it was very laid back and comfortable,  and the state of my home didn’t seem to be a big deal.  She was looked at every room, asked where our future child’s room would be, and wanted to ensure that we had enough smoke detectors.  It was impressive to her that we had a carbon monoxide detector.  And that was it! 

Of course, we have much more work ahead of us.  We have to send our background check authorizations to every state we’ve lived in over the past five years (that would be four of them).  There are physical forms to be completed at the doctor’s office, big questionnaires with invasive questions, a health insurance affidavit, a financial checklist, family history forms, and a few more things I’m forgetting.  We will also need to decide who we will name as legal guardians for our child should we die – that’s going to be a tough one.  I honestly had never thought of that, but it makes sense that they need that information!  Meanwhile, our social worker will be contacting our personal, work, and pastor references and scheduling two or three more interviews with us.  Finally (I think?) we have to complete 30 hours of adoptive parent education throughout this entire process, and at least 10 hours must be done be the home study can be complete.  Education hours can be completed in a variety of ways: Adoption seminars, reading books, webinars, talking with other adoptive families, etc.

Of course, we also need to do this little thing called “making a decision” on what country to adopt from.  It’s going to be tough.  We have been able to eliminate Colombia, Ghana, and South Africa from consideration as we cannot fulfill their travel requirements. Bulgaria and Ethiopia are out as the ages of their adoptable children aren't very compatible with the ages we are seeking. 

That leaves us with Uganda, South Korea, and Hong Kong.  All three contenders have advantages as well as significant challenges for us.  Next week, I will be calling our agency’s program coordinators for these countries to get further information.  Our social worker will also be sending us a medical conditions checklist that may help us determine what special needs we can consider, which may also help us determine which country has those types of children.

Once our home study is complete, I will begin getting some grant applications submitted.  I know I've stopped doing updates on our adoption fund, but it’s around $16,000 right now (we spent $300 on application fees with our first agency, $550 to apply with our agency, $110 on renewing my passport and $140 on a passport for my husband).  We are looking at spending somewhere between $20,000 and $38,000 on this entire process, so we will need to find a way to come up with more funds.

In closing, we are certainly thankful today.  We are thankful for the transition from ‘infertile/unknown’ to ‘prospective adoptive parents.’ We realize that we are VERY fortunate to have saved a good amount towards our adoption at this point.  God is so generous.  For all He has blessed us with, for the ultimate blessing of His Son, Jesus, and simply for who He is – we give thanks to Him.

Changes

First off, I want to share about a big, fun giveaway that a sweet acquaintance of mine is doing!  Caroline is a fellow Lilla Rose consultant and blogs at www.themodestmomblog.com  She also runs an online store with skirts, shells, and other great clothing items.  I have two skirts and three layering shells from her and love them all!  She is changing the name of her business to Deborah & Co. to reflect her service to all women, not just moms.  To celebrate this, she's having a great giveaway!  Go check it out at http://www.themodestmomblog.com/2012/10/huge-giveaway-even-bigger-announcement/

Next, an update on us.  In my last post, I shared that we were back to the drawing board with domestic adoption, as well as my fears and misgivings about it.  Well, God.  I just love how full of surprises He can be!  We are on two waiting lists to begin a domestic adoption, but also working on a formal application for international adoption as well.

You see, one of the agencies that we're working with for domestic also does international adoptions.  When we had our initial telephone conference with them earlier this week, she really encouraged us to fill out a pre-application for international as well since we were so drawn to it.  We explained that we weren't sure if any of their country programs would accept us (due to age/length of marriage/history of mental health diagnoses), or if we could meet the travel requirements or needs of children available in the countries we did qualify for.  She very gently persuaded us to fill out the free pre-application to see what we would qualify for and to go from there.

I'm so glad we did!  We are pre-approved for seven of their country programs.  Now, none of them are "ideal" in terms of having children with needs we feel we can meet, or travel requirements that would be 'easy' for us to fulfill, but we have decided to proceed.  We've decided to let God get to work and are praying hard that He will lead us to the child He's chosen for us.

And yes, we have already asked to see their discipline policy.  I cried when I read it..for relief.  I was so relieved it was something we could sign, and relieved that there are still Christian agencies that adhere to Scripture.  The whole policy was so beautifully written, we couldn't have come up with a more perfectly stated, Christ-centered, discipline philosophy.  We are so impressed with this new agency thus far!

Hopefully, we will have some more direction in the form of our agency's opinion next week.  As always, we would graciously appreciate your prayers!

The News isn't Good

Well.

It’s bittersweet to see my last post on the main page of my blog.  What a joyful time that was!  Unfortunately, it was very short-lived.  This last month has been a rough one as I've struggled to get a handle on the raging emotions of a dream shattered.

We sent in our pre-application paperwork on Sept. 20^th, and received word a week and a half later that we were pre-approved.  Minutes later, we received “phase 2” of homestudy paperwork via e-mail.  Included in that was a “corporal punishment policy statement” that we were required to sign.  It stated, “We find any type of physical punishment completely unacceptable and will refrain from using it at all times.”  Now, I understand that a lot of people would have been fine with that, but we’re not.  We are Bible-following  Christians.  God’s Word presents physical punishment as something parents should use in disciplining their children.  We realize that the psyche of a child who has suffered loss is different than one who has not, and would certainly be aware of and sensitive to that in trying to work out how the best method of discipline. However, we cannot in good conscience completely write off something that God has commanded us to do.  Of course, we also couldn't lie and sign it anyways - that would also be wrong. 

(And just to clarify, we were both spanked as children.  We completely disagree with hitting a child to vent your own anger at them, physical punishment that leaves marks, or using spanking as the first and only form of discipline.  We believe in physical discipline applied calmly as a loving correction. )

I looked at the research this agency cited and was appalled.  She stated that (I’m paraphrasing here as it was a video) she finds ALL types of punitive discipline unacceptable because that is not how God disciplines.  What?  God sends those who reject Him to hell.  He punished His own Son, in our place, on the cross.  He punished the Israelites with years wandering in the desert.  We are so saddened that this false doctrine was being proclaimed in such high regard, and that this personal opinion was being touted as research.  Unbelievable.

With my heart breaking in two, I e-mailed and asked for our file to be closed.  We’ve lost our non-refundable pre-application fee of $300.  We checked into our two other agency options for an international adoption from South Korea – they have the same policy.  And all three of these agencies label themselves as “Christian”.  Oh, Lord…….the lies break my heart, I can’t imagine how much they hurt You.

We took a week to breathe (more for my hubby) and grieve (for me).  Honestly, I can truly say that week was the worst of my life.  There was this adoption door slamming shut, then we had a horrific crisis rise out of the blue in my extended family, then we had a sweet friend of ours pass away (not suddenly) from stomach cancer.  It was awful. 

We’re re-visiting domestic right now.  I’ll be honest, it was not my first choice and still isn’t.  I’m terrified of open adoption, I’m terrified of not being chosen by a birthmother, and I’m terrified of attaching to an infant placed with it, and then fear having to give him/her back if the birthmother changes her mind within the 96-hour waiting period.  It wears me out, emotionally, just thinking about how draining this process is going to be.  In the end, though, we know that the potential end result would be worth all the anguish.  It’s our last shot at parenthood…we may as well throw everything we have into it.  We narrowed it down to two domestic placement agencies, and both of them have waiting lists right now (waiting list to start your homestudy, not just to be chosen as adoptive parents).  We are on both of them and will go with whoever opens up first.  In a way, that takes the pressure off of us…I feel like, this way, it’s truly in God’s hands to make that decision.

My husband thinks that God used this to keep us from a disruption further along in an international adoption.  I think it may have been a test similar to the one God gave Abraham, when God told Abraham to sacrifice his beloved son on an altar.  I think God may have been testing us in a similar way, “How important are children to you?  More important than following My commands?” Important, but not that important.  Not enough to go against His Word – either by not disciplining His way, or by lying and signing that form anyways.  So there’s Your answer God….Speak, Your servants are listening.

The Lord is in the Details

Well, it’s been a week – in a good way!  We are in this for real, as in – we have officially pre-applied for international adoption!

This has not been done without hesitance or fear or concerns.  I’ll save those for another post.  We’re taking a leap of faith here, and we’re cool with that.  I believe that God wants us to be parents, and that He desperately wants orphans to become part of Christian families.

Last weekend I joyfully began filling out the pre-application.  I hunted down 4x6 photos of us and of our home.  I dug out our last three years of tax returns and made copies of page one of each of them.  We read the lengthy “adoption services agreement” and went to the bank to get it signed and notarized.  Four non-relatives – each of whom knew we’d been unable to have biological children and were supportive of adoption – were contacted and asked if they were willing to be ‘non-relative personal references’ for us.  Lastly, we wrote a $300 check for the pre-application fee and mailed it off.

God is already giving us little things that assure us we have His blessing.  Number one – we completed this paperwork on Sept. 12.  It was 11 years to the day that my sweet cousins were scheduled to come home from Russia.  Wow, that was an emotional realization – but in the most wonderful way!  The second assurance we got was when I received an e-mail reply from our (well, soon-to-be ‘our’) social worker saying that she had no other homestudies in progress at this time, so we could get that done pretty quickly if we wanted to!  Oh Jesus! You are too good to us!

Finally, we’d been told to plan on getting three certified copies of our marriage certificate (and birth certificates) for the homestudy, and I need a fourth marriage certificate to renew my passport (it expires in February, and I’ve gotten married since, so proof of change in surname is required).  I didn’t want to wait 4-6 weeks for the copies to come before sending in passport renewal paperwork, but I also wasn’t thrilled about sending our only copy to the U.S. government and trusting them to not lose it.  This morning I was filling out the request for copies and went to dig out our existing copy to make sure everything matched.  Um, we have two copies!  I just squealed,  “We have two!”  I have no recollection of two, just one.  But this is wonderful, because now I feel perfectly fine sending one of those off with my passport renewal paperwork. 

Thank you, Lord!

Thy Will Be Done

These are the words that I wished I could say and mean during our earlier days of our infertility.  They are, after all, words from the Lord’s Prayer, which Jesus modeled for us after saying, “This is how you should pray.”  It’s what my pastors taught me to close our prayers with.  I was often told, “God’s will is best.”  And believed it.  But once tougher times in life came upon me, it was hard to get those words out, and it was even harder to mean them when I spoke them.

As mentioned in my earliest post, I have a psychology degree.  It was not my original major.  In fact, I often feel like I didn’t earn this degree because I only spent the last of my four college years as a psych major,  I was a nursing major for the first three years.  To make a long, sad, and painful story short, I burned out when a major depression arose in me, stemming from family problems and severe stress.  I was on meds, in therapy, etc. and simply did not have the presence of mind needed to ‘perform’ up to par in clinicals during that third year.  After two marginal passes, my options were to appeal or accept defeat.  I am still amazed at how peacefully and clearly I was able to understand all the signs from God that this season in my life was done, and walk away.

I did not make this decision without pain, and certainly spent several months grieving this loss.  I remember often wondering why God would lead me down that path in the first place, if only to fail.  My answer (or at least, what I think is the answer) came a few months after I withdrew from the nursing program. 

I still had a certified nursing assistant’s license and held a job at a hospital in the area.  One July night, I helped take care of a young man, just a few years older than I, who was being treated for a severe broken leg and broken arm.  He had gotten those injuries in a car crash, where he was driving drunk and the person he hit was killed.  When I stepped in to say I was done for the night, he was frantically flipping through Bible with tears in his eyes.  “I have to know that I can be forgiven,” he told me.  He noticed the gold cross necklace that I was wearing and asked, “Where should I read?” 

My heart broke for him.  “I would start with the Psalms,” I said, squeezing his hand.  “I will be back in the morning, and I will pray for you.”

The next morning, I was assigned to that same bank of rooms.  When I entered his, he handed me a piece of paper.   He had a soft smile and tears in his eyes, the look of someone too choked up to speak.

The paper read, “I felt God last night.  He forgives me and loves me.  I believe in Him.”  The young man choked out a, “Thank you,” as I reached for his hand again, and my own eyes filled with tears.  Oh, the power of God’s Word!  It is so easy to forget how strong it is, until we see it in action, bringing sinners to faith.

Several days after this, it dawned on me that had I not been a nursing major, I would not have had that CNA job, and I would never have been there for that young man being brought to faith.  There have, or course, been times since then when my sinful nature has asked, “Was it all really worth it for just one man to receive faith?”  

“Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.” (Luke 15:7 ESV).   

So, yes.  Worth it ALL.

If God’s will was for me to endure my tough years in nursing school just to be available to witness to that young man, so be it.  It's hard to feel this way – but the Bible verse above clearly illustrates how precious and important it is to God for unbelievers to repent, and come to a knowledge of the truth. 

Thy Will Be Done.

And in the same way, the more I look into our future as (hopefully) parents by adoption, the more I see how God may have allowed us to suffer through infertility, in order to lead us to adopt a child who otherwise would have grown up as an orphan – or worse, a child that would have otherwise not been baptized or heard God’s Word.  And if that is how he works our lives to His glory, so be it. 

If that is how He intends to bring another soul to faith in Him, may it be so. 

If we are to be His instruments in this blessed manner – speak, O Lord, for your servants are listening.

As the familiar hymn goes, "What God ordains is always good."

May God’s will alone be done.

Why We’ve Chosen to Not Pursue Fertility Treatments

I get this question a lot – more often lately, as we are getting closer to beginning this adoption process.  It’s not a short or simple answer, so I thought I’d try to put my many thoughts on this topic into a blog post.  These are not in order of importance or any type of order.  They are all fairly equal factors.

1.  Cost-Effectiveness
The more we opened up to families similar to us that adopted after infertility, the more I hear something along the lines of, “I wish we would have stopped fertility treatments sooner”, or “I regret all the time and money we poured into medical testing that we could have put toward adoptions.”  There is no guarantee that a problem will be found. If something is found, chances are it’s something that is either a pricey fix, a lengthy and invasive fix, or something with a “solution” that we are uncomfortable with. Or all of the above.

We live on my husband’s small pastor's salary and pour what I earn (as an elementary school aide) into our adoption fund.  We cannot afford to pursue tests and treatments and move on to adoption if medical interventions do not work.  I feel like adoption has the better chance of becoming parents in the end.

2. We have issues with many common fertility treatments.
We will not do IVF or IUI. 

As far as 'simpler' treatments go, a lot of them don’t apply to us.  I know a common ‘first line’ fertility treatment is several months of Clomid (a medication that induces ovulation) but what’s the point of inducing ovulation if we know I ovulate?  Personally, “because it sometimes works” isn’t a good enough reason to force my body to do something that it already does perfectly fine on its own.  And for what it's worth, my primary doctor agrees with me.

I have also been advised that several months on the Pill sometimes works to stabilize hormones, and going off of it can temporarily give you higher levels more likely to allow you to conceive.  First off, we strongly object to the Pill, as it can be abortifacient (read more about that here).  Second, again, why throw my hormones off balance and back again if they are fine right now?

3. The most basic of fertility issues have already been ruled out.
To disclose a bit, I’ve always had very regular menstrual cycles.  I ovulate regularly.  My height and weight are healthy.  I work out and eat well.  I have had bloodwork done, and all my counts and hormone levels are where they should be.  My paps and pelvics are normal.  These factors rule out some of the more common causes of infertility, such as hormone imbalances, irregular cycles, anovulation, and PCOS.  

4. I love adoption!
I have three cousins who were adopted.  I was 12 and 16 when they came home, and I remember it well.  I remember the long waiting process, the tough decisions that my aunt and uncle had to make, and most of all, I remember that beautiful, joyous result of LOVE for everyone involved.
I could go on and on about this, but in short: I want to do that.  We need children, and there are thousands of children in the world that need parents.  I feel like this might be our call from God to do something about that.

5. Having biological kids is not a priority for us.

We realized at some point that parenting is the end goal, not pregnancy and birth.  We don’t care if our kids don’t look like us, an ‘unknown’ gene pool doesn’t scare me (at least, not too much), and having a child from infancy is not a priority to us.

I realize that not everyone will share these opinions, and that’s fine with me.  I don’t think that those who take different paths to resolve their infertility are wrong.  This is simply our way of thinking, and how we feel God has led us to build our family through adoption.

Update

I apologize for the long gap in between postings.  School started two weeks ago, which means I am working 40 hours/week again.  Wahoo - not.  I am so content to be home full-time, and it's really a challenge for me to get up and dedicate myself to work each weekday.  I have to continually remind myself that this is a means to an end, and that it will be worth it ALL when we reach that beautiful end.

Here is the latest on our adoption journey: We have made the decision to pursue an international adoption from South Korea and are planning to pre-apply in January.  (Yeah, I SO wish we could just start right now, but when we lined up where our adoption fund would be with our agency's projected timeline, there was a good chance we'd owe money we didn't have in a little over a year.  So we're waiting about four more months.)  It took one of us quite awhile to settle on that. In the past month we met with two other pastor's families who have adopted - one internationally from South Korea, the other, domestic infant.  That's what finally confirmed which route was the best fit for us.  I really wish we would have done that sooner.

I guess I should be excited that we're so close, but I'm kind of sad that we're just adding more months onto the years of waited we've already endured. Yeah, I know, I need to suck it up 
I can't sleep right now, so I'm getting research done on how to get the certified copies of our birth/marriage certificates and how to renew my passport. That should make the homestudy go much more quickly once we begin.

This is not public information, but we are hoping/planning to make it so in our Christmas letter at the end of this year. I just don't know how to tell extended family, so a letter will have to do.

More About Me...

I thought this looked like fun:

10 years ago….I was 16 and a junior in high school.  That was my best year of high school.

5 years ago…. I had been married for just 23 days!  We were temporarily living with my in-laws and about to start our final semesters of undergrad.

1 year ago….We were living in a coastal town in the tropical South Atlantic region.  My husband was interning as a student pastor and I was working part-time at the church’s preschool as an assistant teacher.

Yesterday…I worked at school all day, came home, and did some baking while hubby was doing a home visit.

Today…is Friday and I have a snow day due to six inches of snow overnight and negative wind chills!  I’ve spent it cleaning and shoveling.

5 snacks I enjoy:
Pineapple

Cheesy white corn chips and salsa

Archer Farms’ Dark Chocolate Hazelnut Bites (my latest favorite!)

Tortilla with melted cheese and sour cream

Homemade peanut butter snack bars

5 things I’d do with $100,000,000:
-Adopt between two and six children, internationally, over the space of several years

-Take a nice vacation with my husband to a warm place in January or February

-Give 15% to the work of our church body

-Buy some things we’d like to have for our home: a snowblower, a fireplace, a dishwasher, finish the upstairs bedroom to make it usable

-Put the rest in our retirement plan(s)

5 places I’d like to visit for awhile:
-Anywhere to adopt!

-St. Croix (in the Virgin Islands)

-Vero Beach, FL

-Boise, ID

-Somewhere I haven’t been…maybe Colorado or Montana.

5 bad habits I have:
–Being too hard on myself
-Thinking that our situation is the worst while it actually never is

-Expecting too much, too soon

-Longing for what I don’t have rather than being thankful for my blessings

-Getting mad at God for not giving us any children – this is the worst one.

5 things I like doing:
-Going somewhere a couple hours away to window-shop and walk at a good mall

-Playing board games with my husband

-Singing

-Playing piano

-Reading a good book

5 biggest joys at the moment:
My Lord and my God
My husband
Living in the Midwest

Being able to save for an adoption

My home

Our Adoption Journey, Part 2

“Adoption” is a very broad term in today’s world.  The two types we are looking into are domestic infant adoption and international adoption. 

Domestic infant adoption is *probably* cheaper, but I am wary of how the outcome depends entirely on a birth mother to select you to parent her unborn child.  I guess I’m a little afraid that our conservativeness could come off as weird or freakish.  We also are not comfortable with any kind of open adoption, and closed adoptions seem to be getting more and more rare.  Of course, if you are never selected by a birthmother, all the money and time you’re invested in the home study and the agency is gone.  That’s a big risk in my book. Finally, I take issue with the ‘waiting period’ that the birth mother has to change her mind between the birth and finalization. In our state it is 96 hours (four days), which isn’t the worst, but my heart would break if we took a baby home for four days and then baby’s birthmother wanted him or her back. 

International adoption is pricey, mostly because of all the paperwork that must be done in both the U.S. and your adoptive country.  Everything needs to be translated, and in the vast majority of cases, travel is required.  This is tough for us as we cannot be gone on long trips due to my husband’s work (and he HATES to fly!). However, in most countries, a couple is matched with a child that is already free for adoption – no ‘waiting period’, no waiting to be selected by a birthmom, no requirements to maintain contact with a birth family.  I have family members that were adopted internationally and it was a great experience for me to see.  They are not without their struggles, but it was a powerful lesson in love for me that has impacted me, and I would like to make a difference that way, too.

What country?  Well, this complicate things even further, my husband and I are too young (26) for many countries (China, for example, requires parents to be 30; the Philippines requires age 27).  Furthermore, our mental health histories also eliminate a LOT of the most common countries that Americans adopt from.  It was really kind of heart-breaking to see so many possibilities slip away just because we’ve both endured major depressive episodes at times in our lives. (Who goes through infertility without depression, anyways?)  The trend in international adoptions has also shifted from healthy, older babies and young toddlers to older children or children with special needs.  Now I’m not afraid to welcome a special needs child as my own, but I need to be honest about our situation.  We will be on one small income after we are parents.  Our current insurance is good – does not deny coverage for pre-existing conditions – but it’s pricey and may very well have to go in favor of something with lower premiums.  We’re afraid to take an older child as our first – we feel like we need some parenting experience “growing up” with a younger child first.  Also (could this get any harder?) some countries require a ‘ent worth’ or have income requirements that we don’t meet, being a ministry couple with old cars and living in a parsonage.  So, what country lets you adopt from them if you don’t make a ton of money, have depression in your medical history, has young kids available, and doesn’t require multiple trips or one long trip?  South Korea.  Vietnam is also a possibility if they re-open for international adoptions in 2012 as indicated.

As you can probably tell, my heart is leaning toward international, but my husband is unsure as this point.  If you would, please pray that God’s will is made known to us, and that we follow it. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding, In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV