Heavy Heart

Today my heart is heavy.  We have all but decided that domestic adoption will not be an option for us.  I received an e-mail response to several questions that we’d sent to our agency of choice.  Among those questions was our concern about only wanting a closed or extremely limited contact adoption.  Their reply was pretty clear:  That would severely limit our chances of ever being chosen by a birthmother.

We were just $1,800 short of what that particular agency charged for domestic infant adoptions, and now we will need almost double for an international.

I am trying so hard to see the good in this.  We are blessed.  We are incredibly blessed that we are even able to consider an international adoption, finance-wise.  It is a blessing that we found this out now and not after already having invested money in a domestic homestudy.  I am blessed to be closer to realizing the dream that God laid on my heart when I was 16 to become a mom to internationally adopted children (I have cousins who were adopted internationally at that point in my life and it impacted me tremendously).

However, it still hurts.  It’s hard to think about enduring another two to three years of working outside the home to save up a lot more money (my hours are decreasing next year and we need to start saving for our next car, so we won’t be able to save as much as we did this year).  The very real possibility that I may be in my thirties before I can call myself a mom, stings.  It saddens me greatly that I will most likely be limited to one child due to the enormous cost of international adoptions.

It is difficult and painful, but I am trying to trust that God’s plan for me is better than the one I imagine for myself.

I have memorized this verse of the hymn “All Depends on Our Possessing” from the hymnal “Christian Worship: A Lutheran Hymnal.”  These words are so fitting for maintaining faith during a trial like infertility:

“Well He knows what best to grant me

All the longing hopes that haunt me

Joy and sorrow have their day

I shall doubt His wisdom never

As God wills, so be it ever

I to Him commit my way.”

-Andachtige Haus-Kirche, Nurnberg

Scriptures and Hymns for Holy Week

Maunday Thursday:

"Grant that we worthily receive
Thy Supper, Lord, our Savior
And truly grieving o'er our sins
May prove by our behavior
That we are thankful for Thy grace
And day by day may run our race
With holiness increasing."


Good Friday:


"Calv'ry's mournful mountain climb, There, adoring at His feet, Mark that miracle of time, God's own sacrifice complete! "It is finished!" hear Him cry; Learn of Jesus Christ to die." CW 104 v. 3

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

"But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities, the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him - and by His wounds, we are healed." Isaiah 53:5


Easter:


"The strife is o'er, the battle done;
Now is the victor's triumph won;
Now be the song of praise begun, Alleluia!

Lord, by the stripes which wounded You
From death's sting free your Your servants, too,
That we may live and sing to You. Alleluia!"

More About Me...

I thought this looked like fun:

10 years ago….I was 16 and a junior in high school.  That was my best year of high school.

5 years ago…. I had been married for just 23 days!  We were temporarily living with my in-laws and about to start our final semesters of undergrad.

1 year ago….We were living in a coastal town in the tropical South Atlantic region.  My husband was interning as a student pastor and I was working part-time at the church’s preschool as an assistant teacher.

Yesterday…I worked at school all day, came home, and did some baking while hubby was doing a home visit.

Today…is Friday and I have a snow day due to six inches of snow overnight and negative wind chills!  I’ve spent it cleaning and shoveling.

5 snacks I enjoy:
Pineapple

Cheesy white corn chips and salsa

Archer Farms’ Dark Chocolate Hazelnut Bites (my latest favorite!)

Tortilla with melted cheese and sour cream

Homemade peanut butter snack bars

5 things I’d do with $100,000,000:
-Adopt between two and six children, internationally, over the space of several years

-Take a nice vacation with my husband to a warm place in January or February

-Give 15% to the work of our church body

-Buy some things we’d like to have for our home: a snowblower, a fireplace, a dishwasher, finish the upstairs bedroom to make it usable

-Put the rest in our retirement plan(s)

5 places I’d like to visit for awhile:
-Anywhere to adopt!

-St. Croix (in the Virgin Islands)

-Vero Beach, FL

-Boise, ID

-Somewhere I haven’t been…maybe Colorado or Montana.

5 bad habits I have:
–Being too hard on myself
-Thinking that our situation is the worst while it actually never is

-Expecting too much, too soon

-Longing for what I don’t have rather than being thankful for my blessings

-Getting mad at God for not giving us any children – this is the worst one.

5 things I like doing:
-Going somewhere a couple hours away to window-shop and walk at a good mall

-Playing board games with my husband

-Singing

-Playing piano

-Reading a good book

5 biggest joys at the moment:
My Lord and my God
My husband
Living in the Midwest

Being able to save for an adoption

My home

Our Adoption Journey, Part 2

“Adoption” is a very broad term in today’s world.  The two types we are looking into are domestic infant adoption and international adoption. 

Domestic infant adoption is *probably* cheaper, but I am wary of how the outcome depends entirely on a birth mother to select you to parent her unborn child.  I guess I’m a little afraid that our conservativeness could come off as weird or freakish.  We also are not comfortable with any kind of open adoption, and closed adoptions seem to be getting more and more rare.  Of course, if you are never selected by a birthmother, all the money and time you’re invested in the home study and the agency is gone.  That’s a big risk in my book. Finally, I take issue with the ‘waiting period’ that the birth mother has to change her mind between the birth and finalization. In our state it is 96 hours (four days), which isn’t the worst, but my heart would break if we took a baby home for four days and then baby’s birthmother wanted him or her back. 

International adoption is pricey, mostly because of all the paperwork that must be done in both the U.S. and your adoptive country.  Everything needs to be translated, and in the vast majority of cases, travel is required.  This is tough for us as we cannot be gone on long trips due to my husband’s work (and he HATES to fly!). However, in most countries, a couple is matched with a child that is already free for adoption – no ‘waiting period’, no waiting to be selected by a birthmom, no requirements to maintain contact with a birth family.  I have family members that were adopted internationally and it was a great experience for me to see.  They are not without their struggles, but it was a powerful lesson in love for me that has impacted me, and I would like to make a difference that way, too.

What country?  Well, this complicate things even further, my husband and I are too young (26) for many countries (China, for example, requires parents to be 30; the Philippines requires age 27).  Furthermore, our mental health histories also eliminate a LOT of the most common countries that Americans adopt from.  It was really kind of heart-breaking to see so many possibilities slip away just because we’ve both endured major depressive episodes at times in our lives. (Who goes through infertility without depression, anyways?)  The trend in international adoptions has also shifted from healthy, older babies and young toddlers to older children or children with special needs.  Now I’m not afraid to welcome a special needs child as my own, but I need to be honest about our situation.  We will be on one small income after we are parents.  Our current insurance is good – does not deny coverage for pre-existing conditions – but it’s pricey and may very well have to go in favor of something with lower premiums.  We’re afraid to take an older child as our first – we feel like we need some parenting experience “growing up” with a younger child first.  Also (could this get any harder?) some countries require a ‘ent worth’ or have income requirements that we don’t meet, being a ministry couple with old cars and living in a parsonage.  So, what country lets you adopt from them if you don’t make a ton of money, have depression in your medical history, has young kids available, and doesn’t require multiple trips or one long trip?  South Korea.  Vietnam is also a possibility if they re-open for international adoptions in 2012 as indicated.

As you can probably tell, my heart is leaning toward international, but my husband is unsure as this point.  If you would, please pray that God’s will is made known to us, and that we follow it. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding, In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV

Our Adoption Journey...

…hasn’t really started yet, though I am very anxious to begin.  Let me feel like things are moving by telling you a bit about it.

We’ve been married for very nearly five years (our anniversary is around Christmas).  Birth control was not something we wanted to do or can do with clear consciences.  God commands His people to be fruitful and multiply (Gen. 1:28) and proclaims that children are a blessing and a reward (Psalm 127). 

I will admit that we did very loosely practice the calendar method for the first year or so of our marriage.  We didn’t want to, but we didn’t have health insurance through my job, my husband was a full-time student, we couldn’t afford to buy our own insurance and didn’t qualify for state benefits due to residency requirements.  The tough decision was made, and let me tell you, I regret it completely.  I wonder almost every day if our one chance to conceive was during that year and we threw it away for the sake of what we perceived to be social responsibility.

After that year I got a job with benefits and we quit watching the calendar.  This was in January 2008.  I tried to relax and we prayed.  We were pretty patient for a year, then I started getting a little concerned.  At this point my insomnia had been going strong for seven months and I saw a doctor.  She ordered bloodwork to check a myriad of things.  The results showed nothing abnormal and cost us $800.  I bought and read “Taking Charge of your Fertility” by Toni Weschler.   We implemented the BBT method for the entire calendar year of 2009.  I also bought and used Dr. Lee’s progesterone cream that year.  It helped neither my insomnia, nor my painful periods, nor our infertility.

In January 2010 I quit my high-stress job I’d held for two years.  I wondered if that would make a difference (but that wasn’t the reason I quit).  It didn’t.  In spring that year, my husband finished the classroom portion of his seminary studies and was assigned his internship in a tropical climate.  We moved from the Midwest to the subtropics.  I wondered if the sun, the gentler climate, and working part-time would open my womb – nope.  In summer 2011 my husband was assigned his first church as a pastor, back in the Midwest, and this is where we are at.

I think that when we got the $800 doctor bill for the bloodwork I got done in January 2009, we decided that we weren’t going to pour any more money into tests or treatment for this.  I don’t feel right putting money into testing that may or may not give answers.  Even if answers were found, there’s no guarantee that the medical field can fix them.  And we have moral issues with many of the ‘treatments’ for infertility, including IVF, IUI, and AI.  Rather than even start down that road, we want to dedicate our time and our finances to being parents to a child that needs us.  I have cousins who were adopted when I was a teenager, and that has always been on my heart.  Adoption was the natural next step to parenthood for us.

To be continued in next post: “Adoption” is a very broad term in today’s world.  The two types we are looking into are domestic infant adoption and international adoption. 

Thankful

There was a mini-movement on Facebook this year to post an item you were thankful for in your status from November 1 to November 24 (Thanksgiving).  I put down 25 since I like my numbers to be multiples of five.  :)

1.  Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

2. Martin Luther

3. Being a member of a church body that believes, teaches, and confesses Scriptural truth.

4. My baptism

5. the Lord’s Supper

6. My husband and my pastor (they’re one and the same)

7. Living in the Midwest

8. Christian parents

9. Christian teachers and mentors throughout all my school years

10. Godly in-laws

11. Music

12. Musical ability

13. Living close to family

14. A lovely house to call ‘home’

15. My job

16. God-fearing co-workers

17.Having the resources to consider an international adoption

18.Being able to access, read, and study God’s word

19. My practical, faithful car

20. Fourteen years of sweet companionship with our (my parents, sisters, and my) family dog who had to be put down in September

21. Facebook – sounds shallow I know, but it really helps us feel like we can stay in touch and be social with our closest friends and family in other states

22. Books

23. The Green Bay Packers

24. Gymnastics

25. Great,understanding doctors

My Insomnia Journey, Part Two

So now you know what was causing my sleep problems….what helped?

If the problem is a stressor outside of your control, unfortunately there isn’t much to be done.  Doctors and health websites will tell you to practice good sleep hygiene, which means having consistent bedtimes and waking times, only allowing yourself a certain amount of time (I want to say they recommend 10 minutes?) to fall asleep, and to not be in bed or even in your bedroom if you aren’t sleeping.  It is also generally advised to keep the room as dark as possible, the room temperature on the cooler side, and to run a fan or some sort of white noise.  We did that – now I can’t even sleep with a digital alarm clock in the room because it’s too bright J and my husband and I are both officially addicted to sleeping with a fan running.  Consuming no caffiene is also advised – I cut it out completely for several months.  It didn’t help me, but it might help you.  Some recommend a sleepy-time tea (containing lavender and chamomile) or warm milk close to bedtime.  This didn’t help me much either.

Medications were a last resort for me and I reached that last resort.  I was desparate.  Unfortunately, diphenhydramine +NSAIDS is a migraine trigger for me, so most OTC meds like Tylenol PM and Advil PM weren't options.  Melatonin helped for a little while, but it eventually lost its effect.  I also tried Hyland’s sleeping pills, which like the Melatonin, worked for a week or so and then ceased to be effective.  After about seven months of this I saw a doctor.  We discussed both the infertility and the insomnia.  She sent me home with Ambien and did a ton of bloodwork.  The Ambien didn’t seem to help much.  I’d sleep, but it still took me quite awhile to relax and I didn’t feel like it was restful sleep.  The bloodwork showed nothing abnormal, of course.  I felt as though we had paid $800 for nothing.  I pressed on.  Ten months later I saw a different practitioner – a physician’s assistant (P.A.) that had come highly recommended.  The first thing she did was a depression assessment and lo and behold, I tested the in the ‘borderline severe depression’ range.  Had I been a few points higher they would have hospitalized me.  She prescribed Trazodone and Prozac. 

(Disclaimer, I am not a doctor or medical practitioner in any way, just a young woman sharing her experiences.)

The Trazodone was a God-send.  I slept twelve hours that night and wasn’t drowsy in the morning.  The next day I took a three-hour nap and still got twelve hours of sleep the next night.  I continued with that pattern for many weeks.  It was absolute bliss, not only to finally get some good rest, but to escape from the world for over half the day and just let my mind reset.  Now I had been on Prozac before (major depressive episode during my college years) and it had worked beautifully then, but I started having anxiety symptoms during the day.  A few follow-up visits later, my PA switched me to Zoloft and that solved the problem.  I wasn’t jittery or panicky anymore and I continued to sleep well.  I also made the necessary change and quit my job.  It was hard to leave my kids, but the administration had very unrealistic expectations of me that weren’t changing.    I switched to being a special ed. para in our local school district.  The hours were less, the pay was significantly less, but I do not regret this decision at all. It was a desperate and necessary move to stabilize my mental health.  It certainly wasn’t stress-free, but having consistent work days, hours, and a consistent daily schedule was very helpful for my psyche. 

I stayed on the Zoloft for about a year total.  I still have a prescription for the Trazodone (it’s been two years now) but  have been using it only intermittently/as needed for that last fourteen months or so and haven't taken any of it for the last four months.

That concludes the story of my struggles with insomnia.  Do you have any sleep issues? I’d love to hear what helped you and how you are doing.