Post-Holiday

Well, it's 2013.

Every time the date changes, it's a struggle for me.  We married in very late 2006 with the intention of not using birth control, thinking that we surely would have a baby or be expecting by our one-year anniversary.

I very clearly remember being on my knees, in tears, at my in-laws' house during Christmas 2007.  I so desperately wanted a child and we had not received that blessing, despite being open to receive it as soon as God would give it.  Meantime, my brother-in-law and his wife were at that Christmas celebration with their baby girl...let's just say it hurt.

It's five years later....Five years in which I thought, SURELY, we would be able to conceive and have a child at some point.  This has not been the case.  Adoptions usually take place in less than five years; unfortunately, we were not able to start that until just this past year due to all the moving around we'd have to do.

Holidays work like that changing date - a glaring reminder that time has passed, and that desire of my heart is still not mine.  I find the period after Christmas to be especially tough.  We've had time with family, trying to save face when people hint about 'why we don't have kids yet', the year changes shortly after Christmas, and then there's the post-holiday withdrawal from the season, from family time, along with the scramble of unpacking/laundry/finding homes for gifts/cleaning/getting back to work.

This year, we're having an extra-difficult time with (STILL) trying to choose a child/country.  To make me feel even worse, that same brother-in-law and his wife had their second child this morning.  It hurts. I realize I'm being sinful and selfish, but I want to share my feelings here.  Their two children are nearly six years apart in age - the same amount of time we've been married - and it's a very obvious reminder of our failure to become parents (either by birth or adoption) in that time.  I saw pictures of the baby being held my his grandparents - my husband's parents - on Facebook, and my heart broke.  They are the joy and center of my mother-in-law's life, and I completely fail to add to her joy.

I realize this isn't a happy post :( Please forgive me.  Please keep us in your prayers, that we may soon have a decision and some direction, and that some day I will be able to read this and think, "It was worth it."

Our Christmas Letter (partial)

These were the closing paragraphs in our Christmas letter this year.  My husband wrote it :)

"That basically brings us up to the present day, as far as highlights of our year. So, we turn our attention to the future. When you reach a certain age and a certain amount of time of being married, you inevitably hear many questions about the future of your family. One of the unfortunate realities of being a clergy family is that no topic is off limits for questioning. The increase of such inquiries here has reminded us that very likely many of our family and friends are also wondering about the future of our family. That’s only natural.

            Please note that what follows is not public knowledge. Many family members and friends do not know about this and we ask that you don’t discuss this unless you are absolutely certain the people you wish to discuss it with have knowledge of this situation. Please also recognize that this is not something which we wish to discuss unless we bring it up. I hope all that doesn't sound harsh; it certainly isn't meant to! It is simply a painful topic.

            

For reasons we will never know in this life, the Lord has not blessed us with children. This is not by our choosing. We wanted as many children as God would give us. The pain and difficulty of the past 6 years of infertility have brought us to the point of actively pursuing adoption. The time frame is uncertain and will remain so for some time. We are currently working with *an awesome, truly Christian agency* in the hopes of securing an international adoption. This presents many, many obstacles – not the least of which is the several tens of thousands of dollars that an adoption costs (the reason K continues to work full-time), and the time off to travel - which I may or may not have. However, Lord willing, those things will work out and sometime in the (not too distant?) future we will be able bring a child into a loving home.

            So it is that we look to the future of our earthly life with the hopes that our little family will expand. We do this even as this Christmas season we remember the coming of our Savior and look to His final return which will end this vale of tears for all Christians.

            We wish you our Savior’s richest blessings this holiday season and always. It is our prayer that you will be strengthened in faith in Christ through which we possess forgiveness of all our sin, comfort for all trials in this life, and everlasting life in the world to come.

Love,
D&K"

Weary

Today I am weary.

I think there are a myriad of reason for my weariness.  First off, I'm simply tired.  It's hard to work a 40-hour week outside the home, walk the dog for a hour every day, keep a house in order, keep up with organ practice, run a side business (Lilla Rose),  and do Christmas prep tasks.  Of course, I've also got a dear husband and a sweet puppy dog to care for.

I'm a bit mentally drained from the home study process.  We got all the paperwork and three of the four interviews done in less than three weeks.  I'm thrilled that we were efficient, and I'm relieved that it's almost done, but in the aftermath of all that work, my mind is exhausted.

Finally, there's the emotional weariness.  Oh, I'm feeling emotions.  I'm scared.  I fear things falling through, us never becoming parents, and losing tens of thousands of dollars in the process.  I am afraid of not being a good mom.  I am scared of not being able to attach to my future child, or provide for their medical needs, or properly handle institutional behaviors. There's so many unknowns in international adoption, and the reality of them is finally settling in for me.  I'm finding them frightening, and it's tiring.

I would also like to share two specific prayer requests - well, they're kind of two-in-one.  First, that God would send us some kind of clear vision as to which country we should choose.  We are really struggling with that one. I went so far as to say the other day, "This is too big for us.  I just want someone else to decide for us."

Second - there's a precious child of God on our agency's private photolisting that has my heart.  I've known their picture for a few weeks now and have prayed for this particular little one.  Our agency seems excited about our interest in this particular child.  We've gotten their medical history and felt that, although the diagnoses were many, all of this child's needs were either correctable or manageable.  However, we then brought this medical report to our doctors.  One diagnosis has the potential to be far more involved than we imagined.  It's not a deal-breaker for me (though I fear it may be for my husband), but it makes the decision more difficult.

Please pray that the Lord would give us clear, solid direction.  I pray that I will see children through His eyes, not our human ones.

Christmas Ideas

I often get asked for Christmas gift ideas at this time of year.  It's fun to receive gifts, and I appreciate that both my family and my in-laws are big gift-givers.  Of course, it's not the most important part of the holiday, but it is fun!

It's been such a challenge to come up with ideas this year, though.  Some gift cards, a new sweatshirt, and a couple new kitchen items would be nice.  However, I'm stuck beyond that.  Honestly - yes I'd love a dishwasher, but that's a bit much to ask for.

The point is, I'm not desiring much at all this Christmas.  I recently figured out why.

It's because the desire of my heart can't come in a box wrapped in shiny paper.  The desire of my heart is living in an orphanage or foster care in Hong Kong, South Korea, or Uganda.  And I most certainly long for that blessed little desire to be enjoying his or her first Christmas with us, in his or her forever home, in 2013.

Blessed Thanksgiving!

Most individuals that struggle with infertility will tell you that holidays are hard.  I’m one of them.  They are an annual marker of more time passed, and I’m still not a mama.

This Thanksgiving was definitely more joyful than previous ones, however, as we spent much of it filling out adoption study paperwork!

I indicated in my last post that we were re-considering domestic adoption, as well as an international adoption, with a new agency. We were pre-approved for Bulgaria, Colombia, Ethiopia, Ghana, Hong Kong, and Uganda. We could also choose to adopt from South Korea or South Africa.  God used a variety of factors to lead us to international adoption (again).

The week before Thanksgiving, we submitted our formal application, received formal approval, and made our first payment to our agency.  The services contract and notice of privacy practices were printed, signed, and mailed out.  Once again, we’re in this for real!

Last Friday, we got a call from our social worker asking if we would be able to get one of our home visits done on Tuesday.  Um, yes!  Our agency’s “local” office is over three hours away, but she was going to be in our area.  That worked out so nicely!  She was here from seven o’clock to about eight-thirty. 

We felt very comfortable with her and were able to get quite a bit of work done on our home study!  We signed their discipline policy, statement of faith, and a host of other papers that I can’t remember.  She went through some of the early phases of interviews, which including asking us what led us to pursue international adoption, what led us to where we live now, our support networks, and what we know about international adoption.  I was very proud and encouraged by her responses.  She said that our perceptions were wonderful and that she is excited for us!  Our social worker also did the walk-through of our home already.  We knew it was a possibility, so we had cleaned and straightened things up and whatnot.  Honestly, it was very laid back and comfortable,  and the state of my home didn’t seem to be a big deal.  She was looked at every room, asked where our future child’s room would be, and wanted to ensure that we had enough smoke detectors.  It was impressive to her that we had a carbon monoxide detector.  And that was it! 

Of course, we have much more work ahead of us.  We have to send our background check authorizations to every state we’ve lived in over the past five years (that would be four of them).  There are physical forms to be completed at the doctor’s office, big questionnaires with invasive questions, a health insurance affidavit, a financial checklist, family history forms, and a few more things I’m forgetting.  We will also need to decide who we will name as legal guardians for our child should we die – that’s going to be a tough one.  I honestly had never thought of that, but it makes sense that they need that information!  Meanwhile, our social worker will be contacting our personal, work, and pastor references and scheduling two or three more interviews with us.  Finally (I think?) we have to complete 30 hours of adoptive parent education throughout this entire process, and at least 10 hours must be done be the home study can be complete.  Education hours can be completed in a variety of ways: Adoption seminars, reading books, webinars, talking with other adoptive families, etc.

Of course, we also need to do this little thing called “making a decision” on what country to adopt from.  It’s going to be tough.  We have been able to eliminate Colombia, Ghana, and South Africa from consideration as we cannot fulfill their travel requirements. Bulgaria and Ethiopia are out as the ages of their adoptable children aren't very compatible with the ages we are seeking. 

That leaves us with Uganda, South Korea, and Hong Kong.  All three contenders have advantages as well as significant challenges for us.  Next week, I will be calling our agency’s program coordinators for these countries to get further information.  Our social worker will also be sending us a medical conditions checklist that may help us determine what special needs we can consider, which may also help us determine which country has those types of children.

Once our home study is complete, I will begin getting some grant applications submitted.  I know I've stopped doing updates on our adoption fund, but it’s around $16,000 right now (we spent $300 on application fees with our first agency, $550 to apply with our agency, $110 on renewing my passport and $140 on a passport for my husband).  We are looking at spending somewhere between $20,000 and $38,000 on this entire process, so we will need to find a way to come up with more funds.

In closing, we are certainly thankful today.  We are thankful for the transition from ‘infertile/unknown’ to ‘prospective adoptive parents.’ We realize that we are VERY fortunate to have saved a good amount towards our adoption at this point.  God is so generous.  For all He has blessed us with, for the ultimate blessing of His Son, Jesus, and simply for who He is – we give thanks to Him.

Changes

First off, I want to share about a big, fun giveaway that a sweet acquaintance of mine is doing!  Caroline is a fellow Lilla Rose consultant and blogs at www.themodestmomblog.com  She also runs an online store with skirts, shells, and other great clothing items.  I have two skirts and three layering shells from her and love them all!  She is changing the name of her business to Deborah & Co. to reflect her service to all women, not just moms.  To celebrate this, she's having a great giveaway!  Go check it out at http://www.themodestmomblog.com/2012/10/huge-giveaway-even-bigger-announcement/

Next, an update on us.  In my last post, I shared that we were back to the drawing board with domestic adoption, as well as my fears and misgivings about it.  Well, God.  I just love how full of surprises He can be!  We are on two waiting lists to begin a domestic adoption, but also working on a formal application for international adoption as well.

You see, one of the agencies that we're working with for domestic also does international adoptions.  When we had our initial telephone conference with them earlier this week, she really encouraged us to fill out a pre-application for international as well since we were so drawn to it.  We explained that we weren't sure if any of their country programs would accept us (due to age/length of marriage/history of mental health diagnoses), or if we could meet the travel requirements or needs of children available in the countries we did qualify for.  She very gently persuaded us to fill out the free pre-application to see what we would qualify for and to go from there.

I'm so glad we did!  We are pre-approved for seven of their country programs.  Now, none of them are "ideal" in terms of having children with needs we feel we can meet, or travel requirements that would be 'easy' for us to fulfill, but we have decided to proceed.  We've decided to let God get to work and are praying hard that He will lead us to the child He's chosen for us.

And yes, we have already asked to see their discipline policy.  I cried when I read it..for relief.  I was so relieved it was something we could sign, and relieved that there are still Christian agencies that adhere to Scripture.  The whole policy was so beautifully written, we couldn't have come up with a more perfectly stated, Christ-centered, discipline philosophy.  We are so impressed with this new agency thus far!

Hopefully, we will have some more direction in the form of our agency's opinion next week.  As always, we would graciously appreciate your prayers!

The News isn't Good

Well.

It’s bittersweet to see my last post on the main page of my blog.  What a joyful time that was!  Unfortunately, it was very short-lived.  This last month has been a rough one as I've struggled to get a handle on the raging emotions of a dream shattered.

We sent in our pre-application paperwork on Sept. 20^th, and received word a week and a half later that we were pre-approved.  Minutes later, we received “phase 2” of homestudy paperwork via e-mail.  Included in that was a “corporal punishment policy statement” that we were required to sign.  It stated, “We find any type of physical punishment completely unacceptable and will refrain from using it at all times.”  Now, I understand that a lot of people would have been fine with that, but we’re not.  We are Bible-following  Christians.  God’s Word presents physical punishment as something parents should use in disciplining their children.  We realize that the psyche of a child who has suffered loss is different than one who has not, and would certainly be aware of and sensitive to that in trying to work out how the best method of discipline. However, we cannot in good conscience completely write off something that God has commanded us to do.  Of course, we also couldn't lie and sign it anyways - that would also be wrong. 

(And just to clarify, we were both spanked as children.  We completely disagree with hitting a child to vent your own anger at them, physical punishment that leaves marks, or using spanking as the first and only form of discipline.  We believe in physical discipline applied calmly as a loving correction. )

I looked at the research this agency cited and was appalled.  She stated that (I’m paraphrasing here as it was a video) she finds ALL types of punitive discipline unacceptable because that is not how God disciplines.  What?  God sends those who reject Him to hell.  He punished His own Son, in our place, on the cross.  He punished the Israelites with years wandering in the desert.  We are so saddened that this false doctrine was being proclaimed in such high regard, and that this personal opinion was being touted as research.  Unbelievable.

With my heart breaking in two, I e-mailed and asked for our file to be closed.  We’ve lost our non-refundable pre-application fee of $300.  We checked into our two other agency options for an international adoption from South Korea – they have the same policy.  And all three of these agencies label themselves as “Christian”.  Oh, Lord…….the lies break my heart, I can’t imagine how much they hurt You.

We took a week to breathe (more for my hubby) and grieve (for me).  Honestly, I can truly say that week was the worst of my life.  There was this adoption door slamming shut, then we had a horrific crisis rise out of the blue in my extended family, then we had a sweet friend of ours pass away (not suddenly) from stomach cancer.  It was awful. 

We’re re-visiting domestic right now.  I’ll be honest, it was not my first choice and still isn’t.  I’m terrified of open adoption, I’m terrified of not being chosen by a birthmother, and I’m terrified of attaching to an infant placed with it, and then fear having to give him/her back if the birthmother changes her mind within the 96-hour waiting period.  It wears me out, emotionally, just thinking about how draining this process is going to be.  In the end, though, we know that the potential end result would be worth all the anguish.  It’s our last shot at parenthood…we may as well throw everything we have into it.  We narrowed it down to two domestic placement agencies, and both of them have waiting lists right now (waiting list to start your homestudy, not just to be chosen as adoptive parents).  We are on both of them and will go with whoever opens up first.  In a way, that takes the pressure off of us…I feel like, this way, it’s truly in God’s hands to make that decision.

My husband thinks that God used this to keep us from a disruption further along in an international adoption.  I think it may have been a test similar to the one God gave Abraham, when God told Abraham to sacrifice his beloved son on an altar.  I think God may have been testing us in a similar way, “How important are children to you?  More important than following My commands?” Important, but not that important.  Not enough to go against His Word – either by not disciplining His way, or by lying and signing that form anyways.  So there’s Your answer God….Speak, Your servants are listening.