Today my heart is heavy. We have all but decided that domestic adoption will not be an option for us. I received an e-mail response to several questions that we’d sent to our agency of choice. Among those questions was our concern about only wanting a closed or extremely limited contact adoption. Their reply was pretty clear: That would severely limit our chances of ever being chosen by a birthmother.
We were just $1,800 short of what that particular agency charged for domestic infant adoptions, and now we will need almost double for an international.
I am trying so hard to see the good in this. We are blessed. We are incredibly blessed that we are even able to consider an international adoption, finance-wise. It is a blessing that we found this out now and not after already having invested money in a domestic homestudy. I am blessed to be closer to realizing the dream that God laid on my heart when I was 16 to become a mom to internationally adopted children (I have cousins who were adopted internationally at that point in my life and it impacted me tremendously).
However, it still hurts. It’s hard to think about enduring another two to three years of working outside the home to save up a lot more money (my hours are decreasing next year and we need to start saving for our next car, so we won’t be able to save as much as we did this year). The very real possibility that I may be in my thirties before I can call myself a mom, stings. It saddens me greatly that I will most likely be limited to one child due to the enormous cost of international adoptions.
It is difficult and painful, but I am trying to trust that God’s plan for me is better than the one I imagine for myself.
I have memorized this verse of the hymn “All Depends on Our Possessing” from the hymnal “Christian Worship: A Lutheran Hymnal.” These words are so fitting for maintaining faith during a trial like infertility:
“Well He knows what best to grant me
All the longing hopes that haunt me
Joy and sorrow have their day
I shall doubt His wisdom never
As God wills, so be it ever
I to Him commit my way.”
-Andachtige Haus-Kirche, Nurnberg